Autopilot…Who is this in my body?

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Usually when I am autopilot I am a bit worried or concerned  because I am so zoned out or tired that it is needed to get through my day. It is almost like a defense mechanism. I have no idea how I got to work but I know I prayed to get to work safely as I always do…In hindsight I sort of remember bits and pieces of the drive…maybe. I think I remember flashes of light and a car here or there. Yes, I know how dangerous that sounds. However, I am not sleep walking or sleep driving per se. I have had complete conversations with my husband before leaving home, searched things on my phone, and so on. I just have gone through the routine motions to get to work because it my norm and it is super early in the morning or late at night and dark. I only see darkness and I am alone with my thoughts so it’s as if I am dreaming.

I do the same things when I am at home and cleaning. I tend to zone out if I do not have on music. I zone out and I am in fog. I need music to wake me up and feel lively. Certain music gives me life. I need to hear certain songs at certain times to give me that punch to wake me up. Otherwise I feel like someone has taken me over and I am not me. Like a stranger is in the mirror looking back at me.

Today as I was decorating my house for Christmas I was on autopilot. I snapped out of it the happier I got then I heard the music I had been needing to hear. It was my personal mix of music from my iPod that I was humming from myself but it snapped me out it. I became determined and inspired. I got creative. I have some ideas that luckily everything except a few hooks I need to buy were already in my house. I am excited. This is great. I immediately went to get the iPod and started playing it later. To keep myself energized. Now I know I will finish the job and feel complete. I have taken some pictures but I will wait to post until everything is done! I am already so proud of me! I haven’t decorated for Christmas in years. And considering that I have never been one to like Christmas this is saying a lot!

And Bonus, I even made sure I ate all my meals today and have dinner ready for myself when I get home. I am so on it. I love my crock pot! If you don’t have it you should get the crock-pot book it’s at your local book store for like $12 and has over 350 recipes including deserts like pineapple upside down cake, pizza, lasagna, and so much more. I have had a ball saying what do I have in my kitchen…now what can I cook in the crock pot. Moreover, there are crockpot liners for $2 so you don’t have to wash your crockpot only rinse it if that. So go for it.

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Silently IT Lurks…

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Everywhere I turns it’s there reminding me it has me in it’s grasps! Clawing at my skin leaving it red welts and vanishing before I anyone see IT. I tell people it has been there. They don’t believe me. They say what? I try to explain, but my memory seems to fail me. I begin to ramble like an blithering idiot.

It’s hard to tell people that STRESS is the culprit. That you are stressed about any and every THING. That little things bother you and big things alike. That the things you want most may not come to fruition but you cannot ask for help because it may mean that they will take pity  or they will look down on those around you. Even more so, they may even tell you they cannot help! Then I think to myself…would I let them help if they offered? So you fight on and become more distressed. You know the things that would be a solution to the situation and though you are working toward them. they too seem to be out of your grasp.

So you sit in your crawling skin, with the red welts that grow each day. Developing more and more HIVES wondering when they will stop but knowing they will not until you can find the solution AND REACH IT. I am becoming quite exhausted now!

POUTING!

Nature v. Nurture

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The age old battle of the wits! I believe that we are a culmination of both. I find that yes before a certain age we are a product of both. However, I also believe that we become more a product of nurture as we can then choose to allow what nurtures our being. I choose what parts of my family lifestyles nurture my soul and being. For example, as I was a child I was not sure where certain behaviors came from within me. My stick-to-it-ive-ness as my mother (who is actually my aunt) calls it. She calls me TCJ or TC Junior it’s my Grandfather’s initials. She says he was a determined man and that I tend to be just like him. I am slow to anger but when I do…It’s pretty bad.

As I have grown older, I have learned that I enjoy being around those who can contribute to my learning and who I am as a woman. People say that if you adopt a child you run the risk of getting a bad seed. However, the same is true if you bore the child yourself. So you cannot live in fear of such things. You cannot say that just because you or your family is perfect or not perfect that someone else down the line or a recessive trait cannot be passed to your child. However, it is all about how you nurture that child and later how that child decides to see life and nurture their own growth.

As a child who taken in by my Great Aunt and Uncle I have always felt like one of their own. Nothing less. They have never made us feel left out or any different than their own children. We felt quite comfortable calling their own two children brother and sister. The authorities at school even would call us by their last name knowing  it was not our last name but that we did not mind, lol. The only people who were confused were people who did not know me well and thought that I looked like my ‘dad’ (uncle) and realized later that he was not in fact blood related to me, lol. Or people who actually knew my biological parents and but did not realize for some odd reason that I had not lived with them my whole life.

However, I will say that my biological mother still was in my life for a lot of my life. She tried to keep in touch. And now being sober and clean for nearly a decade she has constantly been in my life.

With that being said I have done a lot of reflecting. I have sat and wondered what I have taken from my my surroundings. I have learned that I have allowed myself to be nurtured by all my core parents in one form or another.

I take my dad’s (uncle) critical eye in life. I can be a bit jaded at times but I tend to silently mull things over. I have also decided that I must inspect every aspect of things. I am curious, I must know how things are…Though this I believe is part of all 3 parents he taught me how to research it. He taught me that you must know as much about a subject before you act, speak, or decide on it.

I take from my mom (aunt) the very sensitive, loving, caring and nurturing side. I want to help and heal the world. I am sometimes and enabler. I want to fix everything. I spread myself too thin. There are all things I learned from her, lol. Her heart is just SO big. She loves without fault. She is an advocate for anyone who cannot do for themselves. She is a fighter!

And from my  birth mom I take her stand up take no mess attitude, her fight to get things done, and her dominance. She is a very straight forward woman and that is something I like about her. Though I have learned how to do it with a great finesse, she taught me that you cannot let people walk all over you even when you have been in the worst situations in life. Sometimes I have to remind her of that, that no matter where you have been or what you have done, you still deserve respect!

Though there are down sides to each of these sides I would have to say that the good still outweighs the bad any day, so much so that I refuse to stop any day.

Philly Trip

The fast pace life of the north is not hard for me to adapt to; however, doing so with my husband who is not used to the type of ‘wing-man’ I need in this environment is hard, LOL. When we drive I have play navigator no matter who drives. He tries to gives ten steps ahead of time. I only want 2 maybe 3 tops. Moreover, I prefer to have it on my cell, with my headphones playing like ‘atmosphere’ while I pay attention to the flow of traffic and signs.

When my husband has the GPS he starts trying to over talk the GPS and then he will tell me to turn before the GPS says so and causing me to need to look at it more than I prefer. I would rather hear it and only glance occasionally, not stare at it. At that point I might as well be texting and driving, LOL.

ANYWAYS, aside from that, once I was able to relax on the longer stretches of road, I was able to take in the truly old and romantic places of Pennsylvania. The amazing bridges and waterways and cliffs were both beautiful and haunting. They felt like they could make you want to take your mate there for an amazing marriage proposal or be the scene for a morbid horror movie depending on the weather. You may say geesh this is crazy but I actually say it in both ways in one while winding down the snake like road beside the Schuylkill River.

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(though the above picture is not my own it looked just like this to me as we were coming around the corner on this winding road) It was so tall! It was almost foggy/ misty at the larger bridge that was so breath taking to me. I have no idea what it was called but it was like something that should have been in a Shakespearian play. But then it was also like something I would have seen in some horror movie as someone walked across it late at night and was thrown over it or plunged to their death in an act of utter despair. Like a haunting melody that was almost a romantic gesture. I know that seems crazy! Moreover, there is such history in the art, libraries, and museums there. Of course I had to see the Rocky statue. They moved it due to some holiday celebration they were setting up but I did get to see it.I have a video which for some reason I cannot get to upload on here but I also have a still to show where they moved it, lol.

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While I was there my husband said I also had to enjoy the taste of a real Philly Cheesesteak; This coming from the man that does not eat cheese. He always says that the reason there are no good ones where we live is because of the bread. But I ate more than one and I will tell you I have had a few of these really good ones in North Carolina as well. I am all about the meat and the fixin’s as we say in the south. Moreover, I have had some wonderful bread in the south if you know where to go.

I did finally get to see all the lovely smiles on my husband’s face that I had anticipated though! He got to see family he had not seen for 15 years. He was ecstatic. He was deep down memory lane. They talked for nearly 10 hours straight and texted the whole weekend long, LOL. Needless to say they will probably never lose touch again and we will be making more trips from now on and have a place to stay next time we come up. Though I am still never one to impose! My husband took me to see his old schools and house and the famous roads where things happened in his child hood. He even showed me the road where Teddy Pendergrass became paralyzed. He also showed me the longest ‘naturally occurring’ cobblestone street that still exists here called Germantown. I’m not sure how true all this is, but he was so happy and proud! You let a man have all the dreams and pride they can when they beam like that just like fishing tales, lol.

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Then I went to a place called Miller’s. They are scattered about the country but mainly in Florida and a few other places including here. They are amazing. We have a place similar called Carolina Ale House but it pales in comparison. This place has so many more menu options and not just because of their location near the water with seafood but also with their creativity with daily specials, pricing, and the sheer amount of choices. I was pleasantly surprised and now I need one of these in my life.

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We also ate a wonderful place called Tonelli’s that had junkyard fries. They were amazing they had 3 cheeses, bacon, onions, and old bay, and ranch dressing. They were amazing. I think the only thing that could have made that better would have been some sour cream, LOL.

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Needless to say I was quite impressed by Pennsylvania/ Philadelphia and their British influenced world. The city names, culture, and architecture is so heavily influenced by it there that I felt transformed into a British lifestyle in some areas and having never been there but reading about it heavily it was great. I will be going back!

To Infinity and Beyond…

So I have a million updates to give YAY! So as I promised I would do, I am keeping you all abreast of my bucket list as I get close or complete them. I feel pretty accomplished so far as many time when they say you make these list you should or will only accomplish 3 things right away and may not do more than that or look at it anymore…BUT I AM DETERMINED after failing so many times in the past. I have put more realistic goals and a time on these as well as become more specific with them. Yes I have made more S.M.A.R.T. goals. BUT before I give you all the bucket list updates I also wanted to let you all know I am 9 weeks without plasma exchange treatment…WHOO HOOO. We have 3 more weeks to go to prove I am strong enough to try something NEW. Keep me in your prayers! Now, drum roll please……..The bucket list has started with 3 completed items and one nearly halfway completed! And I still have a whole year left to do the rest But I wanted to give myself some time to start and I couldn’t just make this list and not start, LOL. So since Sept, 18 I have been planning and chipping away at it. I know when some of the other things will happen but I will not check them off until they officially happen! I am uber excited though! More updates to come!

Annual Bucket List: 2016

  • Do a local bike race
  • get yoga mat/basic training
  • Visit wizarding world of Harry Potter
  • Read 50 books– I am on book 17 ( will provide a list in case anyone in interested in perusing what I like to read I have a record on my library website as well as on my bookshelf, lol- quite nerdy I know)
  • Buy a Go Pro
  • Go Sky Diving
  • Go to a State I have not been to before   Just came back from Pennsylvania
  • Go to 5th Cirque Du Soleil Performance
  • Paint Pottery
  • Throw Pottery (as in make my on pottery)
  • Decorate my house for fall
  • Decorate my house for Christmas  happening slowly over a 2 day period as we speak/ type Christmas music blaring
  • Take a romantic trip with my husband  Enjoyed a vacation w/ my husband
  • Volunteer with a charity monthly
  • Take a culinary class
  • Go swimming (you would be amazed that since being diagnosed with MG I have not swam once because I have started to have fear that it would become over exterted and not be able to get out of the water….says the former lifeguard and scuba certified person)
  • Be sling shot (it a weird bungee course thing that looks like a giant sling shot)
  • Go to Canada

 

Radio Silence

Yesterday was the first day since I began blogging that I have missed a day of blogging. It was intentional. I felt I needed to have a true day of reflection for myself. I had to retreat into myself in preparation for a day that was very emotional. To give you a reminder I visited my brother in prison that I have not seen in about 4 years who is in prison. I always feel like I am in a dream state when I go there. Everything seems so surreal. All the thoughts in my head are of the past and how things were. The good, the bad, and what could have been. Then it my thoughts flutter to when he could get out.

I know where my headspace will be when I go there and when I leave there. I know that I no matter how tough I am that I will cry. I will break down. I will be agitated because I cannot fully express that I am so hurt that I am not wanting to have to visit someone inside a prison (though I want to visit him I wish he were not in there). I do not want to carry on a conversation. I do not want another person being negative near me. I do not want more bad things happening. Moreover, I cannot hear the bellyaching of others either.

My visit to the facility itself was horrible but my visit with my brother was the best thing ever and trumped anything I could have ever had. It outweighed the humiliation of the facility not having their dress code online. They told me to wear jeans and a t-shirt before coming which I did when I specifically asked about it on the phone before coming but said nothing about my underwire bra…I had to cut this out of a an expensive bra…Moreover, with MG my hands and fingers were weak and I struggled for over 15 minutes to get this out in the bathroom and had to hand that with the scissors over to the officer. My husband could not understand my humiliation.

Then they announced that we would only get to have a ½ hour meeting with our family members which was unfair to me as I drove over 7 hours to see my brother. They said it was because so many people were there to see family before the holiday and on Thursday (being Thanksgiving) no one would be able to visit family. I secretly wished everyone else would go home as they lived nearby so I could get the full 90 minutes. It was not fair is what I kept screaming in my head. I seriously felt like crying right then but sucked it up. I was the second person to go in. I wish I had known that the 90 minutes could be shortened without notice by something like this. I only knew it could happen based on if more than 60 people showed…there were only 20 ish he announced. So I was a bit disappointed.

Then I got in.

When I finally saw him he burst into a beautiful smile. He was the best thing I ever saw in my life. I was so happy. We had the best visit ever. I have seen him on the inside a few times and this was the best one because he was happy, talkative and seemed more free in this time than he has since I have ever seen him. The first time I saw him he kept his hands in his lap together because he was so used to being cuffed he said. This time he was singing (literally), laughing the whole time, healthy, and full of himself which I am quite use to! He was his old self minus the negative side. He was my brother past the jumpsuit, the window, the gate behind him, the phones, the glass, walls, or anything else.

We talked about the past, the things he needed, and when I would be back. It was great.

Then the harsh reality came…the part that I dreaded even before I pla

Varied Sameness…Excitement Erupts!

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I love mind games even more so when people try to play them on me. It keep my skills sharp. I tend to enjoy it when people attempt them on me in effort to believe that perhaps I too gullible/ naive know that they are trying to fool me. Sometimes I give them so much hope before snatching it all away. There are even times I let them believe they have won only to later in life realize that I always knew they were trying to get over on me but it only makes them realize how ashamed thy should be or how naive they really were.

It’s like when you were little and your parents let you believe that you were smarter than them and you thought you were really getting away with things. However, in actuality they knew exactly what you were doing, they were merely picking their battles or letting your think you were a genius to stroke your ego when you needed that extra bit of confidence. Parents are smart like that, LOL.

Recently, I enjoyed a bit of ‘varied sameness’ as I deal with many routine processes though they change slightly. I don’t mean the random driving adventures of people stopped in the straight lane to run left (thinking they were at the red light lane to go left at 5am), or the the person who goes from the left lane to turn so wide that they just ended up in my right lane and then goes 2 lanes to the left to get back on the highway again at 5am. Nope. I mean the person who stares at me blankly like I cannot see them, as if they have on the darkest shades, but only have on glasses, LOL. So I smile and even give a wave. My parents taught me to never be rude.

When people stare like this, my husband would totally lose it. He cannot stand such things. I have learned to ignore it or relish in the thought that people are curious, nosy, ignorant, or plain rude, LOL. So I just give them a nod to speak if you are going to stare so long. I figure let’s match wits. Let me practice my storytelling abilities on you. Is it possible that I can intrigue a total stranger and make them believe something about me that makes me memorable. Not necessarily untrue just memorable. Moreover, can I play a mind game with them. Make their lives more interesting because I was in it, LOL. I mean that should be a given but can I do something that will make them go home and talk.

So my goal this particular day was to interact with a total stranger and see if I could work in certain words and make people tell me what fascinated them most about where they most wanted to go in the world. It was a fun game to play that day. You would think most strangers would never tell you something like this but you need only find the right environment like a long wait/ line and find a place that has a television commercial that can run as an a ice breaker. I did just that while waiting on my car, LOL. It was pretty fun. Though some people may not have rushed home and planned their next vacation, they probably had a better than normal waiting experience (passing the time faster than normal) and everyone was participating almost interrupting the other to interject their ideas out of excitement.

I know I should not always find life as an experiment as people are well humans and not play things, but I saw this as a social experiment of sorts and a way to pass the time for me as well. Moreover, I also find that people truly enjoy things like this as do I. I do not go and write these findings in a journal or formally conduct these experiments, they are purely for my observation to try engage people in more friendly interactions in the world. I do not conduct ill-intended interactions and if one seems to go this way I terminate it immediately. However, this was pure delight and I am sure many went home and enjoyed a leisure conversation that was sparked about a place that they may not have talked about in a while with friends and/ or family to distant places that they have dreamed of going to and the significance it holds and 1 good deed they could do while there, 1 life changing adventure while there, and 1 person they wish they could meet there!

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The Hunt Is On…Sugar High Freedom!

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We have all done it! Looked in the pantry, every cabinet, and opened the fridge 3 times as if magically something will appear in it and then really pondered what it is we are want! Knowing that no matter how full (or empty) the pantry, cabinets, and fridge are, that what we want is not in them.

I am in this boat right now. I need something sweet. In the last few years I have toned down on sweets so much that we don’t keep any in the house. My sweets are usually things like bananas I may have a cup of lactaid milk. I know boring. I do not really crave sweets like that. If i do like I said these things actually take the edge off.

However, lately they are not working. I need a serious fix. Some people say I need something so good it makes you want to slap yo mama. Well I say I need more I need something so good that I temporarily loose my grip on reality and almost forget eating that item much like Patrick star.

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Though I will not be this bad I will make no promises if I find such a food!

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I want to be transported to a world of bliss filled that is transcendant and trippy.

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I have yet to figure out what this amazing sugar filled treat is yet and I hope to find it on my trip this week! I am going to eat my way through the travel channel’s Man v. Food, Bizzare Foods, Diners Drive-ins and Dives, Sugar High, and so. I hope that I find that melt down mellow out lose myself treat that just allows me to throw all my cares in the wind if only but for a second. Can’t wait ti take a picture and blog about that one! Ready to give my food porn it’s spotlight!

HIVE FIVE!

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OMG WHY!?! They always come at the worst times– as if there is ever a good time to have hives. I get them one at a time at first. Then they come in small clusters of 2-3 before I start to realize what they are and that they are not mosquito bites. At this point I am trying every meditation and relaxation method I know before they are full blown across my whole body.

More so, they are in the oddest places. I mean like right smack in the middle of my back (with my bra strap irritating it), on the tip of my elbow (so every time I rest my arm I feel it), or at the top of my gluteal crack (so I feel my undies rubbing it), LOL. And of course they are BRIGHT read unlike mosquito bites. They do not get larger or smaller they just are the brightest red they can be and they itch. And if I scratch them for more than a few seconds they start to hurt, unlike a mosquito bite which feels ‘better’ the more you scratch yet you are doing more damage.

Seriously, if I could avoid stress (negative that is) at all costs, then I would. But it finds me like a my dog finds an apple. You just have to trust me on this one, that little dog can hear/ smell you cut/ bite into an apple from 3 rooms away and comes prancing into the room excitedly for a piece because he knows with his big bright eyes there is no way ANY person can resist giving him a piece and thus far no one has.

Anyways, these hives are like attack of the killer bumps. They remind of having chicken pox. I feel like every time I turn over in my sleep one of the bumps get scratched and I want to scratch it even more but I know better yet it actually wakes me even more. I don’t put anything on it because usually they go away pretty quickly but I guess with an autoimmune disorder I am not quite use to how hives affect me now so I need to try a different tactic as they seem to hold on a bit longer now. I may need to start using cortisone ointment or aloe to help with the itching. Hopefully before I peel my skin away from my bones, LOL.

 

 

Bittersweet Disappointment

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So the hug of a lifetime will not happen, I was lied to by a person who either was completely an idiot, a person who does not like my brother, or a person who was to busy to care. Either way they have to know as humans on the outside looking in we still care about the ones who are being held within their facilities. The ones society has forgotten about.

After calling the facility I heard a lot of different visitation times. However, I wanted to be sure I had the most up to date times for my brother considering that I would be traveling several hours and only there for a few short days. I also wanted to be sure that I could maximize my time while there.

However after writing such a post about the hug of a lifetime. I looked on the facility’s website and compared the times the guard gave me as I began finalizing my itinerary for my trip so I could tell my husband that we had to rearrange some things or cut something out and something struck me as odd. The times the guard gave me were NO WHERE on the site. I mean not even remotely. The guard tried to give me two 1/2 truths which is what tipped me that something was off while looking on the website which was the alternate dates for non contact visits and that he could only have one visit per month. This information was somewhat right and this is what made me investigate his information closer because it did not pair with the other visitation days. He was grasping male or female for any time of year. So where he got those times I ave no idea because there is no registration for that time and those times have been in effect for over a year.

I thought it was very strange. SO I called back the next day. Though I did not want to because that guard had to me I could have huge hug for my brother and it worked so well with my schedule (Man the Devil really knew how to play with your heart!) but I called anyway. I was so glad I did. I would have been even more upset had I got all the way up there and been turned away and not able to see him when this was part one of two reasons for the location of the whole vacation in the first place. I called twice that next day. Both times (by two different guards) they confirmed the correct times seen on the website and the gave me the registration time for him which was not on the website and additional info which was not on the website.

I was appreciative because I can still see him; however, I am pissed that the first guard would do such a thing. After confirming who the person was I wanted to visit. I wish I had gotten his name, but I know from now on to get anyone’s name dealing when dealing with my brother before I even say his name and then that way before they think about being dishonest because they do not know what I will be asking they will remember I have their name and can report them.

I will not let this take my joy, but I will not lie in saying it did sting a bit!