Stupefy

 order of the phoenix GIF

‘What’s the name of the spell that paralyzing people in Harry Potter?’, asked Philly. We were laying in and he randomly asked me this.

I sat for a moment, caught off guard, said huh and then responded stupefy! I have no idea why I said huh first it seems to be a reaction at times because it hits my ears or maybe even my brain late.

 brains GIF

I don’t know if his mind was still reeling from earlier that night or what but he seemed to be pulling one of my numbers and making the punchlines for me. Earlier that night I had the most intense cramps in my calves I had ever experienced in my life. They were so bad that I could not walk, could see the muscle spasming, and literally took my breath away each time it jumped. I thought we might have to go to the hospital because unlike the first time I experienced blood clots in my legs this time I was nearly certain that I might have some.

I have NEVER felt this sort of pain in my legs before. I screamed in pain and the pain lasted for well over 30 minutes. I could not ever touch the area to begin with. Philly was beside himself. However, he would not show this of course. He tried to massage the area which hurt, then he tried to massage my feet which helped at first. Then that didn’t work. Then he tried to get me to sip water. We realized immediately I was severely dehydrated. Moreover, he he was trying his best to calm my breathing which has suffered greatly from the stress of it all going on about an hour at this point.

He sounded like my Lamaze partner,

 music nirvana pitchfork bobcat goldthwait lamaze GIF

coaching me through deep breathing exercises and giving me encouraging words and rubs on my back while holding me. Ok maybe he wasn’t that intense but he was quite soothing after I was able to relax

 relax GIF

It was like a combination of the 2 in my mind

But eventually he also remembered I probably needed some magnesium after a bit of research and got me some dark chocolate. I was a bit reluctant at first since I thought part of the reason I was in that mess was because of the dehydration from salt and sugar and sweating all day with little water. We had a state fair extravaganza and my poor body had been through the wringer.

I even spent the rest of the weekend so afraid of those cramps again I barely did much else. I will say this, I will be stocking up on gatorade and pedialyte pops ASAP to replenish what was lost since I let myself get so run down. This is not like me.

I have to be careful I am too close to my surgery to sabotage it and I do not want to jeopardize me in general nor scare Philly like that again. My MG scares or health scares seem to come out of no where. We are having a good time watching t.v. or eating and then boom. Poor thing.

 happy baby scared memes shocked GIF

 

Advertisements

It was Fair

 rides GIF

Bells, whistles, ferris wheels, cotton candy, funnel cakes, and tons of walking. Yes its that time of year. When the weather turns a bit chilly and the state fair comes to town. I went today with Philly and had a ball. It was his first time going to the fair in North Carolina. He actually enjoyed it.

We went before it got to packed. Less people children and annoying sounds, I guess missing the point of the fair. Philly was like, wait so people pay $10 to come in and people watch and walk around and then pay more money to do everything in here? His face like we were all stupid

Miles Brown what the incredulous miles brown oh please GIF

And I was like no, there are free concerts, shows, galleries, meet and greets with local celebrities and regular celebrities (sometimes), and demonstrations. But yes, there are MANY things here that you have to pay for. His face then

 sports ufc mma okay ok GIF

I only do amusement park rides because I dont trust rides that are thrown up in a few days and taken down just as quickly.

 indiana GIF

So I’m one of those people that just goes for the food.

 minnesota GIF

But before you judge me

 arrested development judging lucille bluth jessica walter judgement GIF

Know that i only really eat like this once a year. I know you make be thinking yea right but hear me out. Fair foods only come once a year and the funny part is that i do not even get all things that are traditional fair foods. But i have to have these items each year at the fair and i have specific vendors I will only go to and get them.

 cake eaters GIF

I must have an Italian sausage with peppers, a gourmet funnel cake (each year i get a different one but always at the same vendor- this year it was a turtle brownie funnel cake), and vanilla ice cream with rainbow flavor burst (gel piping around the curves). As usual the cone was bigger than my head!

Philly enjoyed the sounds and smells too. We even went to enjoy one of my favorite games beat the guesser. Where the person guesses your age, weight, or birth month. They have to be within 2 years of your age, 2 months for your birth month, and 3 lbs for your weight. I always do my weight because they are never anywhere  near it. The man looked did a complete assessment was spot on with everyone else that came near him and when I walked up was under by over 30lbs. It always happens. It makes me feel better for sure.

Philly was tempted to try his age but didn’t I think he should have. No one ever gets it right! I won a purple rabbit, only because there were no blue ones (I love blue and I love rabbits).

I saw this look on Philly’s face.

 wtf reactions confused things ryan reynolds GIF

He said so what (as a chef) people can charge whatever they want at these booths and no one questions that 2 booths down it’s the same thing? How do I get into this?

Identity party wtf question questioning GIF

Next year Philly has learned that the earlier the better. And he just may have a booth next year so be on the look out for him!

It was an awesome day.

 

Blogger Habits

You are sitting in bed thinking about how you grew up and nicknames and how you got them and how crazy these names sound and how you have basically named everyone around you. How these are badges of honor.

Or the rant about people at work cannot just say certain things and to you they way they do or do certain things with certain expectations and you had some whimsical witty punchline.

 seinfeld annoyed sarcasm sarcastic george costanza GIF

Then there is the ever comical/ or serious moment that happens to you that you have been meaning to tell your blogger community and has just been slipping your mind or you have not had time for and you have wrote or re-wrote the story a million times in your head and yet to actually put it to paper (typed it).

 community joel mchale jeff winger donald glover troy barnes GIF

 community joel mchale jeff winger donald glover troy barnes GIF

I know I am not the only one who has this habit. I do this at least once a day when I do not actually blog. I actually talk out loud or nearly talk out loud the blog that I would have written that day. I think sometimes, what a missed opportunity to share with you all. Sometimes I get mad that I cannot remember that awesome punchline that seemed so great and I had perfectly in mind just moments before and could not get to my computer or paper in time. It just leaves me. I give it to you universe.

 girl pretty moving pule floating GIF

It’s like the novelist or poet. I just get so annoyed.

I know this can get better when I am not as stressed and when I just allow this to happen but I also know that with more regular practice like when I first  started blogging this is less of a frequent occurrence. I must get my mojo back.

 austin powers yeah baby yeah baby yeah GIF

ASK ME ANYTHING ABOUT MG

So I realized that there are quite a few people who follow my blog and whom I follow that have MG or some sort of autoimmune or muscular disorder. I wanted to take this chance before my surgery next month to give you all a chance to ask me anything about my symptoms, feelings, thoughts, or experiences with Myasthenia Gravis. It can be about the past, present or the future and I will answer it. I will keep your name anonymous if you wish it and you can send me an email or simply reply to blog with a question. I feel that sometimes this is the best way to help one another out in the community as well as just relate to one another.

 ellen degeneres ask questions ama ask me anything GIF

Learned Helplessness Pt. 2

I wanted to expound a bit on learned helplessness. Philly and I had a discussion about learned helplessness in an indirect manner. I realized that he as many of us do in some manner or at some point in life suffers from it. He suffers much more than most and his is from dealing with many negative situations that he believes he just ‘deals’ with and says it’s life and moves on with. When in actuality they beat him up leaves hard scars and he voices his feelings about them often because they still bother him.

I never mind hearing about them, but when someone voices their feelings about something frequently, it does bother you and most definitely you are not living life, over it, or any of those other phrases people like to say they are. Now Philly has used a few of these phrases but I am speaking now to the masses here so understand that. I merely use him as an example to get my point across.

When you become accustomed to life, a situation, or a person constantly beating you up you can forget that this is not normal in life and it can become your normal. You begin making every excuse as to why this is YOUR life and applying it to all the exceptions to your life as well. Such as all your shortcomings (gender, race, age, weight, health, education, social status, etc…).  You being saying why you cannot find the positive situations and it alienates others from you. It becomes hard for others to be around you because they find it hard to constantly pull you out of the negative loop you have created.

The Saboteur

Every new person you meet does not know your past. You have a chance to recreate yourself. To show them a new you. To begin fresh. Yet because you are so conditioned to the negative past you refuse to show them that new you, you believe they will treat you like all the bad exes, so you begin testing them and sabotaging the relationship. You become suspicious, or you are half interested.

The Rude/ Mean Person

You throw out rude mean comments and clear them up as a joke once you realize you may have hurt the other person’s feelings. Your friend/ partner may laugh these things off initially but eventually they will realize this is not cool and that you are in fact not a nice person. They may be superficially interested in you and once this phase wears off they will say even more hurtful things. Sometimes the hurtful things are never about you, but about others and this may also be a sign. They are lashing out. They are constantly finding everything wrong with the world and everyone else. Nothing is good about the world EVER, not even when you point things out. This can be a hard pill to swallow for a person who is really nice and cheery (optimistic). You will find yourself needing outlets and a social network just being around this person (they will rarely if ever uplift you). You will find that you will consume yourself trying to do that for them and have little of yourself left.

All in all people who have learned helplessness are considered mental health individuals. They have been through 1 or more negative experiences that have triggered a behavior to react in the manner in which they have. It is very hard to overcome.

  1. The first step is becoming aware of the behavior and reaction. Coming from someone who has had learned helplessness late in life this was hard to do, especially since the behavior was due to fear.
  2. Once you are aware of the situation, you have to want to change it. This means knowing you reason for it and having a solid reason at that (one that is positive- usually one that is just for you).
  3. Then you have to make a plan to change it
  4. Then execute that plan
  5. And modify/ re-evaluate if needed
  6. smile because you made a change you can be proud of

 

 

Learned Helplessness

Learned helplessness is when people feel helpless to avoid negative situations because previous experience has shown them that they do not have control. In this lesson, we’ll explore some of the causes and effects of learned helplessness.

Seligman’s Learned Helplessness Theory

In 1965, Martin Seligman and his colleagues were doing research on classical conditioning, or the process by which an animal or human associates one thing with another. In the case of Seligman’s experiment, he would ring a bell and then give a light shock to a dog. After a number of times, the dog reacted to the shock even before it happened: as soon as the dog heard the bell, he reacted as though he’d already been shocked.

But, then something unexpected happened. Seligman put each dog into a large crate that was divided down the middle with a low fence. The dog could see and jump over the fence if necessary. The floor on one side of the fence was electrified, but not on the other side of the fence. Seligman put the dog on the electrified side and administered a light shock. He expected the dog to jump to the non-shocking side of the fence.

Instead, the dogs lay down. It was as though they’d learned from the first part of the experiment that there was nothing they could do to avoid the shocks, so they gave up in the second part of the experiment.

Dogs who had previously been shocked did not try to escape the shocks in a subsequent experiment.
Learned Helplessness

Seligman described their condition as learned helplessness, or not trying to get out of a negative situation because the past has taught you that you are helpless.

After the dogs didn’t jump the fence to escape the shock, Seligman tried the second part of his experiment on dogs that had not been through the classical conditioning part of the experiment. The dogs that had not been previously exposed to shocks quickly jumped over the fence to escape the shocks. This told Seligman that the dogs who lay down and acted helpless had actually learned that helplessness from the first part of his experiment.

http://study.com/academy/lesson/how-seligmans-learned-helplessness-theory-applies-to-human-depression-and-stress.html

Easter in November

I finally did it. I finally have a date for my thymectomy set in NOV.  In 2.5 months I will be doing something that nearly terrified me to hear when I was first diagnosed back in October 2013. I thought since I did not have a thymoma there was no need and that they should try all non-invasive methods first. I mean I had just been diagnosed for Pete’s sake. I had barely even been on any medication and had hardly felt informed enough to make an informed decision at that time.

Fast forward 2.5 years.

I barely heard more talk about a thymectomy until I brought up the subject of children. Then It was on the table again. I then had to wait what seemed like an immensely long time on a waiting list to see a specialist  neurologist in Myasthenia Gravis just to talk about how I could safely bare children with this disorder.

That wait took 8 months. August 2016.That’s when the thymectomy came back on the table.

I was all for it this time because I had been through nearly every treatment they had for MG now. They had told me what would and would not work for me over the last 3 years and what I was a candidate for and so forth. The doctors all knew me and has seen me countless times and knew, just as I did what my body could handle. My meds had been adjusted numerous times and after being on a cocktail that seem to keep me stable along with maintenance plasma exchange I still am only getting by.

The doctors believe that this surgery could definitely improve my quality of life and they have successfully performed it many times using the Davinci robot. I am both excited and nervous.

Having gone through a divorce recently I had already decided before that divorce that I still wanted children even if it was not with that man. I wanted them in the future even if I had to be artificially inseminated, ask a friend, find a new relationship, or even adopt. But my goal and hope was to try and have one of my own.

Going into this surgery, I am doing it completely for my own quality of life! However, we all need some additional positive things to hold on to going into life changing moments…Sometimes it’s the idea that a loved one/ family is waiting for you when you come out of the surgery, an event (like a wedding is coming up), or that you need them. Whatever the reason you hold on to those moments because it makes you feel safe, calmer, distracted, and gives you a reason to fight is somethings dare I say goes wrong.

I call those moments Easter eggs because they are the happy moments you plan or want to get back to in life. It’s like knowing on Thursday knowing you are going to your favorite restaurant with your best friend whom you haven’t seen in months due to your schedule for lunch. On Monday no matter how crappy the week you look forward to your little hidden gem because it may be buried under leads of stress, negativity, traffic, paperwork, bosses yelling, babies crying, missed flights, and marital spats, but that is a breath of fresh air in the midst of your week.

I am looking for a few Easter eggs right now for my surgery. I feel like I need more than one.

Corporate Quirks

I have fallen in love with what I do. Though you should not complain about your job, I do because I enjoy having something to complain about. But not in a bad way more like pile more on me way. I’m something of a glutton for punishment. I love having all these new and exciting things to do. I love feeling needed and knowing I am able to do the job and that somehow people look up to me.

Each day I battle the traffic feeling like one of the strange minions of the world but I know it will change one day, as in some aspects it already has begun.

But even in my trips I have noticed some of the funniest things.

In my corporate park when I get close you notice the most scripted or should I say made for television things. These are the things I swore before now only happened on television shows and never really happened on the road. I saw a man with a battery operated electric razor going to town on face in the car while driving to work this morning.

I see women getting their glow on. I mean the full makeup experience like they are in a salon. I am telling you the focus is real. I cant do half these things at home let alone in a car.

Full on changing clothes in the car.

I mean the most I do is eat.

These people are crazy both about work and for being on the road doing this. But seriously the distracted driving is beginning to worry me.

Rainbow Bridges

I had grand plans of blogging everyday since my last blog and was on track to do so. I had even created several blogs ahead of time and scheduled them days in advance for days that I knew I may be too busy to do so. I was preparing myself. However, sometimes there are days and times in life that you just cannot prepare for and when they hit you, your whole world stops.

Last week was one of those instances happened for me. I have blogged many times about my little dogs Porter and Pepper. They are the funniest little dogs ever and have the biggest personalities.

No automatic alt text available.

I have told countless stories to anyone who will listen about how they make us laugh and what they are up to. The one on the left is named Pepper aka Heffa-lump (like winnie the pooh) because he hops down the steps kind of like a bunny and makes a sound like a herd of elephants. SO the first thing that came to mind to me was heffa-lump. He is spunky and is always barking, he loves the sound of his own voice and NEVER stops moving. He perches on the steps too. he bottom on the step ABOVE where he head and front paws are. So that he is half standing (in the front) and his bottom is seated on the higher step. He enjoys being touched. I mean seriously it doesn’t matter if it’s his back touching the side of your small toe, as long as he is physically being touched by you. He also loves walking on 2 legs when he meets new people. Philly calls him a ‘midget’ in a dog suit. No offense to any little people. He just says that he cannot be a dog always walking around on 2 legs. He thinks he’s ‘people’.

Porter is the one on the right. He is quiet and skiddish but sweet as pie. He loves to lick and that means anything, toys, you, and especially himself (but not the normal places a dog licks) and the carpet. We called him the cat dog. He took long licks of his arms and legs like a cat all day long. This dog loves water and showers. I have had even had to turn him around in the shower so he will not face the shower head and drown. He loves He also was a cuddle bug. He loved to nuzzle you and get cozy. He would turn over on his back and let you play with his paws like a cat with a ball of yarn like this as well the stretch out and go to sleep. His favorite activities were eating and sleeping. He could eat his food faster than lightning. He never chewed. And Then he slept nearly 16 hours every day yet was never overweight. I have no idea how this was possible.

The love that the two of them showed toward one another was even more special. I enjoyed watching them ‘bicker’. Literally sitting on each other because the other would not get off their beds. Or when Porter was little trying take Pepper’s leg like it was a bone and was not attached to him. I enjoyed watch then snuggle on the same pillow and go to sleep. And go outside to the bathroom and wait for the other to come out behind them before the they walk away from the door to go potty (like girls they go in packs).

But last week, my little was diagnosed with a huge mass in his lungs and they were fairly certain it was cancerous. Backing up to about 12 days before they thought he had pneumonia. So he was on antibiotics. The cough he had cleared up for the most part, but his breathing did not really get any better and he was still lethargic and having trouble eating and unable to get comfortable. Moreover, the cough had not completely subsided. So we took him back and they did more tests. They did another xray. Unlike the first time when they said it was just fluid this was when they found the mass in his right lung. After a stay in the hospital they became fairly certain. They said they could run more tests to find out what type but either way it was a long road of what if’s. Having been though this more than once before, I could not watch him suffer. He had lost a lot of weight because they also could not get him to eat, and he a life of pain meds or chemo was not worth prolonging his life for my comfort/ selfishness.

The difference was it was the first time it was actually MY decision since it was MY dog. In the past it was a family dog but this was a dog that was mine and the family loved it as their own. It was the hardest decision to make. Until I wrote this blog I thought I was done spilling tears being gone nearly 8 days ago. I cried so much 2 days leading up to it and the 3 days after I thought I would surely be dehydrated and had become sick on a few occasions.

He was there for 11 years of my life adult life the most formative years of my life. Through undergraduate school until now. Big transitions happen in your life in that time. For me, graduation from 3 degrees (undergrad, 2 masters), first apartments, first full-time (corporate job), marriage, divorce, and so on. But through all that I will continue knowing that I had a friend who was always happy and sweet no matter how bad my day was. He gave me love no matter what I had done wrong. And he listened to me babble about the silly things that mattered that I may never remember but seemed a big deal then and I will never forget him. We give Pepper plenty of love for Porter and though he still waits for porter to come outside to go potty (and it breaks our hearts) we know he will adjust.

We love you Porter! Until we meet again on the Rainbow Bridge!