My 80’s Dream

Have you ever had the perfect crush in your mind all your life and when you met them you were not sure it was them until you saw a picture of them from a time in their life that proves they were that person!

I have a love for the Bell Biv Devoe, Boyz II Men, MR. T type guys. (though if you find me a good ginger I will take it, LOL). These were my first loves. I mean I was hooked. Not Hammer, not Bobby brown, I mean soup cooler lips (full lips), pretty eyes (small eyes, slightly slanted with long lashes), chocolate, and usually a boyish face to match regardless of age (so they were usually older but looked young).

I have no idea what this bug was but I had caught it hardcore. I had to have a man like this and it was deeply embedded in my soul. I mean no matter how many guys I dated over the years and different types I still always came back to the BASE: My 80’s Dream.

So when I met this Philly cat with this accent, attitude, and charm I was like hmm i don’t know. Then he said something but I swear I could understand a word because I was staring at his lips so hard that I totally didn’t hear it. They started moving in slow motion. I was shocked. I’m never stuck like that. His voice reminded me of another star of love so much but I won’t be saying it here because if he EVER reads this he will never let me live it down.

Anyways, Philly keeps talking and I’m mesmerized. The funny part is he has no idea how into I am so he thinks it is harmless flirting. So he is fine. I go on his fb and see a picture of him when he was younger and by gosh there it is the immortalized picture of a Michael Bivins except he was rockin the flaptop. Upon further inspection I realized it was not Biv it was Philly. I was like:

The funny part was that when I started to talk to him on a deeper level, all that smooth talking charm and charisma he had went right out the window. The brother literally started stuttering. His excuse…I really liked you and could keep the act up as long as I thought you were just being flirty and nice. I never thought I had a chance. We both were in the same boat apparently(without swallowing a drop of  water) I started choking.

It was absolutely adorable though! I will be saving all those messages and stories for any children that may come. The days their smooth, cool, and collected pops, was not so smooth, cool, or collected!

I’m Not Beautiful…

So after a lifetime of soul searching and and understanding I am very comfortable with who I am physically! I know my worth and I love the way I look! I can say that with conviction! However, and I am sure there are many women out there who can agree, even when you heard your parents say it,  you did not believe you were beautiful growing up.

They may have said it when you came home crying about the children teasing you, or when you went to prom, your graduation day, wedding and so on. They meant it; however, your thoughts were/ are they are your parents they had to say it and may have even been they did not say it enough.

Some parents may have felt that saying it too much may have caused the child to be too conceited and shallow. However, this may be a good thing in some cases. This can prevent a child from looking for that justification from friends and those that wish to become sexual with them.

They use this as a means to get in their pants because they can sense the insecurity. They shower them with compliments, charming them into a sense of caring, love and affection that seemingly far exceeds what they have felt or been shown before and they fall for it. They are not used to being pampered by someone who will cater to them so getting little things done like their hair, nails, clothes, or spa treatments makes them feel special and desired.

They have only been ridiculed for everything else. I was once this girl. I was always picked on for being the nerd. Don’t get me wrong I am still a nerd/geek and proud of it. I value education like none other! But I was so insecure about my looks from being cut down by some family and so-called friends and being confused about my body that I was too insecure and naive for my own good. Now don’t go getting the wrong idea, I was told I love you and I was beautiful, I just simply believed they had to say it as parents and didn’t understand the depth and value of these words until much later.

Parents should openly discuss things no matter how it makes THEM feel. Their desire to be upset, or think things are wrong only makes matters worse. Saying what should not happen scares a child from talking. I understand this is how they were taught sometimes. But sometimes it takes saying this is a no judgement zone where we can talk about anything time…is there anything you want to ask me? tell me? start doing? stop doing? do more of?

Because as children we need help with guiding questions and conversations. We need the talk about alcohol and drugs. We need to understand how we feel about sex without just being told NOT to have sex. We need to be able to discuss that we have feelings about sex and what to do with those feelings. We need parents to be honest and give us real world examples and help us. Shutting us down and not answering us makes us feel like they do not understand, are lying to us, or refuse to hear us. Though as adults we understand why they did it, we also know/ learn that there can be better ways (though some people still choose not to go that route later).

I will tell my child often they are attractive (handsome/beautiful), but that school comes first. They will have opportunities to talk to me (but as open as we are) I am still your parent. They will know the importance of family and understand the what it means to have a strong work ethic. They will respectful even when I am not around because they are representing me and our family everywhere they go and they will be honest because it is the right thing to do not because someone told them to or someone is watching. And they will probably be a bit goofy because they are my child!

Creative Reflections

Have you ever had a dream that was so crazy that you knew that if you could get it down on paper that it would be the best short story, book, or movie ever? Well I have many dreams, daydreams, and thoughts like this. But I have learned that my best ones come when strangely when I am in my limbo or even drug induced states (prescription of course).

This morning was one of those. I was on a roll, I was in full creative swing I had sang about 3 songs with full background vocals and they had music/ beats. I also had 2 more fully orchestrated scenes to a play that were just amazing. It was just so cool. I was like a full on producer/ director in my head.

The con was that I kept waking up because I was restless from the medication and because I kept thinking if I just go back to sleep I can finish this and hopefully remember it all…

OR

Maybe if I wake up and run and get my recorder and put it near my mouth I can sing it/ or talk through it I can get at least some of it down. I may just have to buy more than one recorder so that I can sleep with them near each bed in my house so I do not lose these creative moments. It;s just like when I was younger and I would wake up and immediately write down poetic thoughts and eventually over time they would turn into amazing poems. I now have a pretty nice poem book (which I should probably start doing this again).

Writing early in the morning and as soon as I remember my dreams always seems to give me inspiration. I have been doing it seriously since junior high school and it has been quite soothing to my soul.

Let the creative juices flow

My Season is Coming

When you live in the south especially growing up in the church you commonly hear the phrase, everything has it’s season or your season will come when you are down on your luck or when things are just not going your way. They say that God already has a plan for you and that once your season comes you will get to reap all the benefits of all the good that you have done.

Sometimes that down on your luck bad season can last for more than the traditional ‘calendar’ 3 months for my young kids who are out there reading this. It can last 6 months, a year, several years, or even decades. You just never know. It can be tough to know that you are in a state of limbo while waiting on this bountiful season to come about. You sit and wonder if you can do anything to make it come about sooner.

I mean the answer is always yes! But I know I am a good person and I work hard, I’m not selfish and am told I could actually be more so as I tend to put myself in a bind by extending myself too much.

So then you start wondering if your faith is strong enough…

I pray everyday, I try my best, I try not eat healthy and treat my body right, okay I am spiritual but not religious so I do not get to church as often but um yeah that adds up.

Then you get everyone telling to just be patient! And you are like…

I’m like the most patient person EVER, I coached swim teams of over 100 kids at a time from ages 3-17 years of age for 3 hours straight 3 summers in a row. I worked with the mentally disabled for several years. They keep saying it to you after your reaction…S then you try to save face and find yourself just

SO then you try to save face…

Because I am just not believing that I am hearing them tell me this for the 100th time and somehow I am still not getting it and I am still stressed and my anxiety is begins going through the roof. I begin thinking something is wrong with me. Like why has it been days, which has turned into weeks and now months.

I had actually become the one I was always telling my friends not to be! I was shocked. And they had started shoving my own advice down my throat and even saying it was my advice and how good it was and reminding me and it was indeed a BIG HARD pill to swallow!

However, when I decided my coarse of action and finally just accepted that I was going to take the curve ball the God had given me and stop resisting…

It all started coming together and my season began ripening right before! I had to go through some things I had never really gone through before and have some revelations I never had before. I needed to experience those life lessons to become stronger, to pass on wisdom and to become a better person. I needed to learned to better value some things in life as well.

I am sure there are many more things in life for me to learn but I pray I don’t have another hard season like that one for a while…I felt sort of like Job (bible reference for some of my Christians).

Hurricane

My life has felt much like a hurricane of late. The past 18 months has seemed like nothing more than the biggest storm of my life and I know it is not over. I feel like that stubborn native group of locals that have lived near the coast all their lives and have seen countless storms and no matter how bad the storm may be refuse to evacuate. In fact I’m the genius who even enjoys the going out into the storm and sitting on the beach and enjoying the wind and surf just before hand just because it feels good. Listening to the waves crash and hearing the wind, and watching the storm approach…though I may not be dumb enough to actually get into the surf, I feel like this time I fell off the peer while watching the storm approach…The hazard of being the local idiot.

I was fighting for a marriage that I realized was I was ready for but he was not. We were better off as friends. Sadly, along the way he realized how much he wanted the marriage after I was done…But it was too late for me. I had honestly been put the the ringer for far too long. I could not just bounce back again. Unfortunately, as life goes, I not only managed to just have a divorce to deal with…but my car decided to go completely out at the same time…you would say that’s not as big as a a divorce…but it stemmed from an issue within our marital problems. Another reason I wanted the divorce…Then because of the car issue I was written up at work for being late to work something that just never happens to me. I was floored.

One of my other co-workers had similar issues a few weeks before and called to say he would be late but he did not get written up. He even had to leave during the day to handle it. However, since I had an interview with a higher up that day and it may have had to be rescheduled and my boss happened to mention it I was written up. Again…I was floored. This was highly unusual and I was hurt. I felt like I was being betrayed. I wanted to cry out that I was being made an example out of when he nor the other co-worker were never written up for any of their times being late and that I followed procedures just as they had…but instead I owned it and kept my composure. I have learned that playing the blame game or crying doesn’t really solve much. It just causes my symptoms to flair up and I still have a problem to solve.

I was let go after I took leave from a surgery 2 weeks later under a really strange excuse; however, it did grant me the ability to still work within the organization because it was such a strange issue that seems to be just an issue with that client. My boss and co-workers still give me references and keep in contact which I appreciate. So, I honestly just believe that it is just because it is just the universe saying it is time for me to move on a begin working in my new field and take that new step. Though everything is still not final and I still have a ways to go, I will say that I will not life get me down, I am a fighter and I know that whatever He brings me to, He will bring me through…I have to believe that!

Oh MG

I have had a bit of a set back with my MG lately but only to have it go bumbling along again at its usual humdrum do as it wants pace. I feel i am rather in control of my MG; however, at times it likes to have a say sometimes and boy can it get mouthy.

Yesterday, i had to get a temporary catheter for treatments untul i get my subcutaneous souble vortex top of the line limo of ports next week. It wont be ready to use for about two weeks due to hiw tender it will be. But in the meantime i needed treatment a tad early due to some good and bad stress. So iff i go to get the temp and oh what a journey.

I told them i mus. be at work at noon on the same day. They said okay its a temp so its possible. Then i get there and they start and say we will use local anaesthesia…code for lidocaine injections ONLY…i did not realize this. What the heck was all the hubub about needing a driver. I could have driven myself after. I though i would have been given a mild sedative or something stronger than that but nope. No anaesthesia. They said i did better than some patients with anaesthesia and i just stared at him blankly with tears free flowing and shaking like a Chihuahua.

They kept asking if i was cold and i was like no…i was scared, you triggered my anginiphobia and im probably in shock. 

But to know that i will have the new port and start the process for my thymectomy soon fills me with a nervous excitment.

Europe Part 2

London was awesome. I still had many sights unseen here. I felt like there was still so much left be be explored here. In France I felt like I only had a few museums un-turned, and yet I only was there 2 days. I spent 4 in London and still felt like I could like I needed more time, though I was still good and ready for home when I got back mainly because I was missing my friends and special someone. Next time they must come with.

However, there were so many sights and places I was just ready to go exploring. I mean the local culture was just so different. Though people drove, you really saw how people used the tube. I loved not calling it the subway like we do here. It was so fun mimicking the local slang and talk. I understood it all fairly well just because it was in so many of the books I read. Because I read so many books from the library this year to reduce buying them and cluttering the house more, I had one small advantage. It would track my reading material and suggest other books I might like and therefore I tended to get a lot of books written in London due to similar authors, topics, or settings. It was quite fun. Some of my pictures seemed weird to my friends because they were like why would you take a picture of a street sign and I’m like that street comes up A LOT in my books. Or that square. It’s so cool. I’m sure foreigners do the same thing to us, like reading about New York City and Times Square or California and Hollywood.

Then you see things that are just familiar to us all from many decades of watching a country grow over the centuries. But the items have been re-purposed. 20160919_065248.jpg

These telephone booths are now just wi-fi hotspots. But many of them still open and awesome for quirky pics which my mom did, lol. She swore it was Dr. Who’s telephone booth.

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Then there were all these shows I wanted to catch but did not…is this what we are calling it now (cheeky eh) sorry the puns never stop here. But in all seriousness we probably would call this one male burlesque which is pretty cool since we barely have female burlesque in the states.

I will say the next time I come over I will definitely be a sight richer, lol. The Queen thinks pretty highly of herself…She’s everywhere and the exchange rate had my head reeling, it’s expensive to go to London.

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France was a bit kinder to me money wise, that was just for my takeout, UGH. Which leads me to another point apparently they prefer you to takeout your food out here in some restaurants than to dine in. There is actually steeper bill to eat in. In the U.S. you may pay a few cents difference in some restaurants but not usually. Here it was evident in many restaurants. Still trying to find out why. You would think they would want to look like there people eating in them.

More to come on my observations of Europe!

Forgiveness

I have recently learned that because I am a fairly happy person it bothers people when they realize they have done something to hurt me done so much damage it could seriously break a person. However, I take it in stride and even if I don’ they won’t see me falter. I smile in their face, show grace, class, and forgive them for they know not what they do in earnest they are too far gone or ignorant to realize how this will play out for them in life and I move on.

CASE 1:

My boss tells me that he let it slip to our Regional Director I was late due my car breaking down on the day of my interview for a promotion. I can’t remember if this is what he original told me, I thought he said it was another day but still, he said was asked if it had happened before and it had just days before being the same issue. He asked why he hadn’t documented it. He stated because I followed protocol and I’m guessing because it did not really interfere with operations that much. He is an honest person and felt horrible. He said he only said something because he was going to cancel our call because (which was the interview because he thought I was not going to make it in time.

If I had known that now I am not so sure I would have still interviewed. I also learned that he also preferred my APM’s answers since apparently she already does most of the jobs the position calls for. She knew what the position needed. Though my answers were good my PM says and not just mumbling around, she knew exactly what the client wanted because she has been to the meetings. She had the advantage. He (my PM and immediate boss) said he was proud I wasn’t complacent and want to push hard at work. So I feel like though the RD says my write up had nothing to do with it, it did. When he asked, will anything prevent you from fulfilling the role of this position, it was like he was inviting me to say my car or attendance, knowing this already…I just didn’t know it at the time.

I have to get a new car last minute. Like who wants to do that.

Case 2:

Getting a divorce you learn that if and when you have to speak to the soon to be ex, you want to ask close ended questions (yes or no). However, that still doesn’t stop them from playing on your bleeding heart. I say did you do blank? As it directly relates to something important the we are both still tied to. Again I just need a yes or no I remind the soon to be ex. He answers and then adds with way more than is need about this that and about how the world almost ended in the process. Then when I do not respond, accuses me of not caring…actually I can’t care. I cannot do this with you. I did it for years. However, when I had an issue you could tell ANYONE when I was sick and play it up to them but the reciprocity was not equal and I will leave it at that.

It’s hard going from someone who showed too little emotion to someone who is so intense. And though he may not truly be that intense and I may be imagining it, it seems that way because I felt so forgotten for so long. So I only speak when it is important and after this week nothing more will be said. I can hardly believe it. legal papers are sort of magical. I refuse to stay mad because my life is too important. I must move forward. I have to forgive him. So this week is full of meditation and forgiveness. I know it will take time to get through all this but it’s not really him I’m forgiving but myself for letting all this occur. I am honestly just angry because I let it happen. SO in the last week as I have gotten calmer and happier I can see light and I am slowly letting go. It took my mom’s grand advice so I could do it RIGHT. Now I can move on the way I want to.

It feels good.

Like A Ton Of Bricks

So I had a realization recently that may have been noticed before by others but was not quite understood by most. I think it was mainly because I did not even understand it. I have to finally get this off my chest as I have hinted around it for many months. I am going through a divorce and though I have gone out of my way to make sure my blog has not been linked to my social media portals that his family are on to give him time to deal with that, but I will no longer continue to mute myself. I use my blog as my way to deal with my anxiety and relate to my readers. In saying this, I had one of the worst realizations of my life the other night…

I blogged many times since being diagnosed with MG about how I started having strange sensations. Like not liking to be touched, or my skin crawling, and the inability to bear cuddling, and my moodiness/ hormones. I researched for weeks on end. I talked with my team of doctors and they confirmed that the medications I was on could cause this because I was not like this prior to MG (or so I thought). However, my mom and a few other people reminded me I was and showed me video and recalled times when I said or did things with my soon to be ex that was before MG saying do not touch me and so on.

I realized I lost affection for him before my MG. This was before my marriage and though I do not know the exact moment I know the things that triggered it. But I only realized in the last few weeks (very slowly) that it was HIM that was the issue and not my MG as I didn’t mind my mother rubbing/ massaging my back. Or friends touching/ hugging me. Other people could lay on me and it didn’t bother me either including someone I am quite smitten with (whom I didn’t start seeing until I was separated for over 6 months). They are/were both aware of the situation before it ever occurred. Not that I should care what people think but in my head I was done in my marriage before my separation started. My therapist says I started that process maybe 6 months to a year before I came to her based on the things I told. I had to do something to cope so hanging with my girlfriends, dating myself, and finding myself and fun was the best way.

I was just baffled. I felt like a crap but then I said well, the triggers were the reason and with those triggers who could feel close to a person. I will not go into detail but know no person wants to feel lonely or abandoned in a relationship. Now I lost myself again due to a snowball of bad events again…I am no used to being depressed and I know that this is what this is. I just have never really acknowledged it before and let it soak in.

I am also a person who has a bleeding heart and knowing that I felt completely taken advantage of in this whole thing. People kept asking me why I stayed as long as I did and the truth is the same answer I always give…I care too much about what happens to the other person. But now I must move on and do what makes me happy. I stayed too long and the misery has got to end. I have to enjoy me and stop trying so hard for someone who could not reciprocate that for me.

I mean you have to go out of your way to make it where I won’t speak to you ever again. Almost all my exes are still a friend or associate. They are willing to help me or hang out anytime. However, I am not sure with this one…this will time if ever because I am too stressed by this person. Maybe it’s due to how disrespected I still feel. Somethings can roll off my back but some things are quite important to me and sorry doesn’t erase how stupid I was to let it happen so long and I think that’s why I am so durn angry. Every time he speaks I get mad because this is what I advise against and I let it happen to me. UGH. I was that person this time.

NEW STARTS

My therapist says she believes that I would not go back to him, she just knows the reason I am so upset is because I cannot stand the thought of what others think and to an extent that is true. I only wanted to ever be married once. I wanted my FAMILY. He desecrated that in my mind. No matter how he did it. I have no regrets so I feel happy knowing that but I hurt knowing that I must try to feel like I have no idea how to have a regular ADULT relationship again.

I do not know how to take a compliment. I actually get embarrassed and I don’t mean a little bit. I mean like I want to dive under a couch and never come out. I’m trying to get better but man I relapsed this weekend and tried to play it off in a bookstore and was sure I died twice. I just knew my heart stopped. I was trying to distract him as best I could to stop his rolling commentary of compliments anyway I could. Eventually I grabbed his lips clasped them together, LOL. It was strange but effective as the poor cashier was actually giggling the whole time probably thing she was going to tell her friends about this as soon as she got off.

Moreover, I do not know how to let a man take care of me, pamper me, or take any sort of lead. I do not know how to relax and stand down. I do not know how to let go. It scares the hell out of me. I just cannot trust this. I am told I should try but I feel like if I try and they fail they will just prove my point…my heart is literally feeling like a humming bird thinking about it. Please don’t fail!

 

And Now Europe Part 1

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In France, I visited Paris. This was just miraculous to me. I just have always dreamed of traveling. I have such wanderlust it’s ridiculous. My dreams are so big I cannot seem to contain them. I want to share them with more than just the family I grew up with but with a family I have created.

Anywho….I traveling was crazy. The weeks leading up to when we went was spring time weather then we went and it was fall for those few days, LOL. I had just unpacked my heavier jacket/ coat because it was in the 80’s and then it dropped to the 60’s and I almost froze to death. One night I even triple layered an outfit and it wasn’t enough as it was raining. It barely reached 70 the whole time we were over there. Which would have been perfectly fine if we were dressed for it.

In France apparently no one is larger than medium, lol. I um struggled with that being a bit more plush and muscular. The elevators were tiny and we had LUGGAGE. My dad carried a serious dead body bag. I mean I could fit in it and that was not a joke. And then he had 2 more bags and a garment bag. My mom had 2 bags. My dad must have thought he was going to be in a fashion show or something, LOL. He was looking for his London girl. I was in stitches. I had plans on my dad lugging my luggage, LOL so much for that. I had to struggle with that by myself and I usually travel light but I needed options. So for once I was loaded down with a huge bag and carry on. I have no idea how I drug that thing around. People were uber nice and kept taking my carry on down for me without me even asking. I have no idea what magic I was using but whoo hoo for big bambi eyes. LOL. It was probably more that I was never in a hurry though so no one minded grabbing my stuff because I let them go in front of me, LOL.

My room was creatively painted but smaller than American rooms. However, apparently it was bigger and more lavish than my parent’s and aunt’s rooms were. Not sure how that happened as our agent did nothing fancy or different to our room. She was the worst agent ever by the way. I will do things by myself in the future. I dang near did everything on my own anyway, lol.

The food was great! I was so excited about trying new things but I did not get as many new things in as I had hoped, I guess because I try so many things already, lol. My sister got one over on me though when we weren’t together and had some Zebra.

I was so happy to just be in another country it was just to surreal to me. I could have eaten AIR well at times I did forgetting to eat sometimes until 6 in the afternoon. I never did get use to the time zone there. I was 6 hours ahead of where I am from in the U.S. and never got on board. I was up til 3am U.S. every night at least. I just could not get it together.

I also could not find normal stores there and I knew they had them but I could not for the life of me locate them. I need to find a new fitbit charger since I left mine in the states but no such luck. It was so weird being the one with the accent there. Though I was able to hold my own in France. I understood enough to converse in French even it was not the best and I was a bit slow. I did pretty good for being 13 years rusty and only doing a refresher last year. I do know that I read it so much better than I hear it.

We also went shopping in Paris. I mean who doesn’t do that apparently. I do not like shopping but my mom and aunt make quick work of that. Those ladies are shop-a-holics. LOL. So when in France…

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It was pretty cool we enjoyed shopping and then a VIP lounge and champagne and treats. It was so cool.

More to come so stay tuned…