Hurricane

My life has felt much like a hurricane of late. The past 18 months has seemed like nothing more than the biggest storm of my life and I know it is not over. I feel like that stubborn native group of locals that have lived near the coast all their lives and have seen countless storms and no matter how bad the storm may be refuse to evacuate. In fact I’m the genius who even enjoys the going out into the storm and sitting on the beach and enjoying the wind and surf just before hand just because it feels good. Listening to the waves crash and hearing the wind, and watching the storm approach…though I may not be dumb enough to actually get into the surf, I feel like this time I fell off the peer while watching the storm approach…The hazard of being the local idiot.

I was fighting for a marriage that I realized was I was ready for but he was not. We were better off as friends. Sadly, along the way he realized how much he wanted the marriage after I was done…But it was too late for me. I had honestly been put the the ringer for far too long. I could not just bounce back again. Unfortunately, as life goes, I not only managed to just have a divorce to deal with…but my car decided to go completely out at the same time…you would say that’s not as big as a a divorce…but it stemmed from an issue within our marital problems. Another reason I wanted the divorce…Then because of the car issue I was written up at work for being late to work something that just never happens to me. I was floored.

One of my other co-workers had similar issues a few weeks before and called to say he would be late but he did not get written up. He even had to leave during the day to handle it. However, since I had an interview with a higher up that day and it may have had to be rescheduled and my boss happened to mention it I was written up. Again…I was floored. This was highly unusual and I was hurt. I felt like I was being betrayed. I wanted to cry out that I was being made an example out of when he nor the other co-worker were never written up for any of their times being late and that I followed procedures just as they had…but instead I owned it and kept my composure. I have learned that playing the blame game or crying doesn’t really solve much. It just causes my symptoms to flair up and I still have a problem to solve.

I was let go after I took leave from a surgery 2 weeks later under a really strange excuse; however, it did grant me the ability to still work within the organization because it was such a strange issue that seems to be just an issue with that client. My boss and co-workers still give me references and keep in contact which I appreciate. So, I honestly just believe that it is just because it is just the universe saying it is time for me to move on a begin working in my new field and take that new step. Though everything is still not final and I still have a ways to go, I will say that I will not life get me down, I am a fighter and I know that whatever He brings me to, He will bring me through…I have to believe that!

Oh MG

I have had a bit of a set back with my MG lately but only to have it go bumbling along again at its usual humdrum do as it wants pace. I feel i am rather in control of my MG; however, at times it likes to have a say sometimes and boy can it get mouthy.

Yesterday, i had to get a temporary catheter for treatments untul i get my subcutaneous souble vortex top of the line limo of ports next week. It wont be ready to use for about two weeks due to hiw tender it will be. But in the meantime i needed treatment a tad early due to some good and bad stress. So iff i go to get the temp and oh what a journey.

I told them i mus. be at work at noon on the same day. They said okay its a temp so its possible. Then i get there and they start and say we will use local anaesthesia…code for lidocaine injections ONLY…i did not realize this. What the heck was all the hubub about needing a driver. I could have driven myself after. I though i would have been given a mild sedative or something stronger than that but nope. No anaesthesia. They said i did better than some patients with anaesthesia and i just stared at him blankly with tears free flowing and shaking like a Chihuahua.

They kept asking if i was cold and i was like no…i was scared, you triggered my anginiphobia and im probably in shock. 

But to know that i will have the new port and start the process for my thymectomy soon fills me with a nervous excitment.

Europe Part 2

London was awesome. I still had many sights unseen here. I felt like there was still so much left be be explored here. In France I felt like I only had a few museums un-turned, and yet I only was there 2 days. I spent 4 in London and still felt like I could like I needed more time, though I was still good and ready for home when I got back mainly because I was missing my friends and special someone. Next time they must come with.

However, there were so many sights and places I was just ready to go exploring. I mean the local culture was just so different. Though people drove, you really saw how people used the tube. I loved not calling it the subway like we do here. It was so fun mimicking the local slang and talk. I understood it all fairly well just because it was in so many of the books I read. Because I read so many books from the library this year to reduce buying them and cluttering the house more, I had one small advantage. It would track my reading material and suggest other books I might like and therefore I tended to get a lot of books written in London due to similar authors, topics, or settings. It was quite fun. Some of my pictures seemed weird to my friends because they were like why would you take a picture of a street sign and I’m like that street comes up A LOT in my books. Or that square. It’s so cool. I’m sure foreigners do the same thing to us, like reading about New York City and Times Square or California and Hollywood.

Then you see things that are just familiar to us all from many decades of watching a country grow over the centuries. But the items have been re-purposed. 20160919_065248.jpg

These telephone booths are now just wi-fi hotspots. But many of them still open and awesome for quirky pics which my mom did, lol. She swore it was Dr. Who’s telephone booth.

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Then there were all these shows I wanted to catch but did not…is this what we are calling it now (cheeky eh) sorry the puns never stop here. But in all seriousness we probably would call this one male burlesque which is pretty cool since we barely have female burlesque in the states.

I will say the next time I come over I will definitely be a sight richer, lol. The Queen thinks pretty highly of herself…She’s everywhere and the exchange rate had my head reeling, it’s expensive to go to London.

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France was a bit kinder to me money wise, that was just for my takeout, UGH. Which leads me to another point apparently they prefer you to takeout your food out here in some restaurants than to dine in. There is actually steeper bill to eat in. In the U.S. you may pay a few cents difference in some restaurants but not usually. Here it was evident in many restaurants. Still trying to find out why. You would think they would want to look like there people eating in them.

More to come on my observations of Europe!

Forgiveness

I have recently learned that because I am a fairly happy person it bothers people when they realize they have done something to hurt me done so much damage it could seriously break a person. However, I take it in stride and even if I don’ they won’t see me falter. I smile in their face, show grace, class, and forgive them for they know not what they do in earnest they are too far gone or ignorant to realize how this will play out for them in life and I move on.

CASE 1:

My boss tells me that he let it slip to our Regional Director I was late due my car breaking down on the day of my interview for a promotion. I can’t remember if this is what he original told me, I thought he said it was another day but still, he said was asked if it had happened before and it had just days before being the same issue. He asked why he hadn’t documented it. He stated because I followed protocol and I’m guessing because it did not really interfere with operations that much. He is an honest person and felt horrible. He said he only said something because he was going to cancel our call because (which was the interview because he thought I was not going to make it in time.

If I had known that now I am not so sure I would have still interviewed. I also learned that he also preferred my APM’s answers since apparently she already does most of the jobs the position calls for. She knew what the position needed. Though my answers were good my PM says and not just mumbling around, she knew exactly what the client wanted because she has been to the meetings. She had the advantage. He (my PM and immediate boss) said he was proud I wasn’t complacent and want to push hard at work. So I feel like though the RD says my write up had nothing to do with it, it did. When he asked, will anything prevent you from fulfilling the role of this position, it was like he was inviting me to say my car or attendance, knowing this already…I just didn’t know it at the time.

I have to get a new car last minute. Like who wants to do that.

Case 2:

Getting a divorce you learn that if and when you have to speak to the soon to be ex, you want to ask close ended questions (yes or no). However, that still doesn’t stop them from playing on your bleeding heart. I say did you do blank? As it directly relates to something important the we are both still tied to. Again I just need a yes or no I remind the soon to be ex. He answers and then adds with way more than is need about this that and about how the world almost ended in the process. Then when I do not respond, accuses me of not caring…actually I can’t care. I cannot do this with you. I did it for years. However, when I had an issue you could tell ANYONE when I was sick and play it up to them but the reciprocity was not equal and I will leave it at that.

It’s hard going from someone who showed too little emotion to someone who is so intense. And though he may not truly be that intense and I may be imagining it, it seems that way because I felt so forgotten for so long. So I only speak when it is important and after this week nothing more will be said. I can hardly believe it. legal papers are sort of magical. I refuse to stay mad because my life is too important. I must move forward. I have to forgive him. So this week is full of meditation and forgiveness. I know it will take time to get through all this but it’s not really him I’m forgiving but myself for letting all this occur. I am honestly just angry because I let it happen. SO in the last week as I have gotten calmer and happier I can see light and I am slowly letting go. It took my mom’s grand advice so I could do it RIGHT. Now I can move on the way I want to.

It feels good.

Like A Ton Of Bricks

So I had a realization recently that may have been noticed before by others but was not quite understood by most. I think it was mainly because I did not even understand it. I have to finally get this off my chest as I have hinted around it for many months. I am going through a divorce and though I have gone out of my way to make sure my blog has not been linked to my social media portals that his family are on to give him time to deal with that, but I will no longer continue to mute myself. I use my blog as my way to deal with my anxiety and relate to my readers. In saying this, I had one of the worst realizations of my life the other night…

I blogged many times since being diagnosed with MG about how I started having strange sensations. Like not liking to be touched, or my skin crawling, and the inability to bear cuddling, and my moodiness/ hormones. I researched for weeks on end. I talked with my team of doctors and they confirmed that the medications I was on could cause this because I was not like this prior to MG (or so I thought). However, my mom and a few other people reminded me I was and showed me video and recalled times when I said or did things with my soon to be ex that was before MG saying do not touch me and so on.

I realized I lost affection for him before my MG. This was before my marriage and though I do not know the exact moment I know the things that triggered it. But I only realized in the last few weeks (very slowly) that it was HIM that was the issue and not my MG as I didn’t mind my mother rubbing/ massaging my back. Or friends touching/ hugging me. Other people could lay on me and it didn’t bother me either including someone I am quite smitten with (whom I didn’t start seeing until I was separated for over 6 months). They are/were both aware of the situation before it ever occurred. Not that I should care what people think but in my head I was done in my marriage before my separation started. My therapist says I started that process maybe 6 months to a year before I came to her based on the things I told. I had to do something to cope so hanging with my girlfriends, dating myself, and finding myself and fun was the best way.

I was just baffled. I felt like a crap but then I said well, the triggers were the reason and with those triggers who could feel close to a person. I will not go into detail but know no person wants to feel lonely or abandoned in a relationship. Now I lost myself again due to a snowball of bad events again…I am no used to being depressed and I know that this is what this is. I just have never really acknowledged it before and let it soak in.

I am also a person who has a bleeding heart and knowing that I felt completely taken advantage of in this whole thing. People kept asking me why I stayed as long as I did and the truth is the same answer I always give…I care too much about what happens to the other person. But now I must move on and do what makes me happy. I stayed too long and the misery has got to end. I have to enjoy me and stop trying so hard for someone who could not reciprocate that for me.

I mean you have to go out of your way to make it where I won’t speak to you ever again. Almost all my exes are still a friend or associate. They are willing to help me or hang out anytime. However, I am not sure with this one…this will time if ever because I am too stressed by this person. Maybe it’s due to how disrespected I still feel. Somethings can roll off my back but some things are quite important to me and sorry doesn’t erase how stupid I was to let it happen so long and I think that’s why I am so durn angry. Every time he speaks I get mad because this is what I advise against and I let it happen to me. UGH. I was that person this time.

NEW STARTS

My therapist says she believes that I would not go back to him, she just knows the reason I am so upset is because I cannot stand the thought of what others think and to an extent that is true. I only wanted to ever be married once. I wanted my FAMILY. He desecrated that in my mind. No matter how he did it. I have no regrets so I feel happy knowing that but I hurt knowing that I must try to feel like I have no idea how to have a regular ADULT relationship again.

I do not know how to take a compliment. I actually get embarrassed and I don’t mean a little bit. I mean like I want to dive under a couch and never come out. I’m trying to get better but man I relapsed this weekend and tried to play it off in a bookstore and was sure I died twice. I just knew my heart stopped. I was trying to distract him as best I could to stop his rolling commentary of compliments anyway I could. Eventually I grabbed his lips clasped them together, LOL. It was strange but effective as the poor cashier was actually giggling the whole time probably thing she was going to tell her friends about this as soon as she got off.

Moreover, I do not know how to let a man take care of me, pamper me, or take any sort of lead. I do not know how to relax and stand down. I do not know how to let go. It scares the hell out of me. I just cannot trust this. I am told I should try but I feel like if I try and they fail they will just prove my point…my heart is literally feeling like a humming bird thinking about it. Please don’t fail!

 

And Now Europe Part 1

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In France, I visited Paris. This was just miraculous to me. I just have always dreamed of traveling. I have such wanderlust it’s ridiculous. My dreams are so big I cannot seem to contain them. I want to share them with more than just the family I grew up with but with a family I have created.

Anywho….I traveling was crazy. The weeks leading up to when we went was spring time weather then we went and it was fall for those few days, LOL. I had just unpacked my heavier jacket/ coat because it was in the 80’s and then it dropped to the 60’s and I almost froze to death. One night I even triple layered an outfit and it wasn’t enough as it was raining. It barely reached 70 the whole time we were over there. Which would have been perfectly fine if we were dressed for it.

In France apparently no one is larger than medium, lol. I um struggled with that being a bit more plush and muscular. The elevators were tiny and we had LUGGAGE. My dad carried a serious dead body bag. I mean I could fit in it and that was not a joke. And then he had 2 more bags and a garment bag. My mom had 2 bags. My dad must have thought he was going to be in a fashion show or something, LOL. He was looking for his London girl. I was in stitches. I had plans on my dad lugging my luggage, LOL so much for that. I had to struggle with that by myself and I usually travel light but I needed options. So for once I was loaded down with a huge bag and carry on. I have no idea how I drug that thing around. People were uber nice and kept taking my carry on down for me without me even asking. I have no idea what magic I was using but whoo hoo for big bambi eyes. LOL. It was probably more that I was never in a hurry though so no one minded grabbing my stuff because I let them go in front of me, LOL.

My room was creatively painted but smaller than American rooms. However, apparently it was bigger and more lavish than my parent’s and aunt’s rooms were. Not sure how that happened as our agent did nothing fancy or different to our room. She was the worst agent ever by the way. I will do things by myself in the future. I dang near did everything on my own anyway, lol.

The food was great! I was so excited about trying new things but I did not get as many new things in as I had hoped, I guess because I try so many things already, lol. My sister got one over on me though when we weren’t together and had some Zebra.

I was so happy to just be in another country it was just to surreal to me. I could have eaten AIR well at times I did forgetting to eat sometimes until 6 in the afternoon. I never did get use to the time zone there. I was 6 hours ahead of where I am from in the U.S. and never got on board. I was up til 3am U.S. every night at least. I just could not get it together.

I also could not find normal stores there and I knew they had them but I could not for the life of me locate them. I need to find a new fitbit charger since I left mine in the states but no such luck. It was so weird being the one with the accent there. Though I was able to hold my own in France. I understood enough to converse in French even it was not the best and I was a bit slow. I did pretty good for being 13 years rusty and only doing a refresher last year. I do know that I read it so much better than I hear it.

We also went shopping in Paris. I mean who doesn’t do that apparently. I do not like shopping but my mom and aunt make quick work of that. Those ladies are shop-a-holics. LOL. So when in France…

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It was pretty cool we enjoyed shopping and then a VIP lounge and champagne and treats. It was so cool.

More to come so stay tuned…

 

 

 

The Calm

I have noticed people become calmer when they realize they finally have something else to hold on too. Be it working toward a new goal, temporary love/ lust, a new job, or some other distraction. We all have to dissociate sometimes. However, I feel that it should always be in moderation. We need to learn to focus on true problems, fix/ handle them with no distractions at their core no matter how ugly they may be and then move on.

Ignoring things or dissociating from things that cause anxiety or negative feelings for too long can cause desensitization and therefore one can find themselves in a world of trouble when the problem snowballs. Simple problem ignoring a small car issue until it becomes a big one and then you are left with a big bill.

Sometimes dissociation is okay. Sometimes I watch television when I workout; however, I also know that I am not always working out at the intensity I need to be at to get the best benefits. I get okay benefits because I am working out but I could be getting better benefits if I focused and did my program or used my app and stayed in my heart rate zone.

In relationships this may not always be the best thing. In fact, it is almost palpable when one party decides to dissociate and finds something/ or someone else to focus on. Though some are masters of disguise. The sad part is when the other party appreciates the dissociation.

THE CALM…

Dangerous in Love

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I was talking with my cousin this morning and he said something that really stuck with me. He said a man who can suddenly do everything right once you take everything away or you walk away is dangerous because it means he blatantly disregarded you and how you felt and everything you stood for. I’m paraphrasing of course but still. It means this man out right disrespected you and took advantage and took you for a ride. He is dangerous because he gained your trust and manipulated it and would have you believe it was all because they were ill equipped when in fact they were quite able and resourceful only lazy, unmotivated, and selfish.

Knowing this and looking back, I  became reflective and annoyed. Annoyed because I ignored the signs wanting to think better of people. I had to learn the hard way though I suppose. It’s all a part of growing up and becoming wiser and because I am the way I am I know I would not have just listened to someone saying ‘NOT TO DO IT’. I had to do it and learn the hard way as most of us do. But that is okay. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger and I pray that as long as I have life and one of these dangerous in love types don’t take me out I will be okay.

The Effort

I have always been taught that the amount of effort a person puts into something indicates the pride and importance in which they possess. I later learned it also indicates the emotional and mental intelligence they possess. This extends beyond just relationships to include how you make the most vital decisions in life. However, today we will be talking about relationships and what EFFORT means in regards to that.

If a potential mate wants you to know they care, especially a male they will make every EFFORT to show you how important you are to them. You will not have to bend over backwards and wait by the phone. You will not have to wonder where you stand in their life. You will not have to guess where you ‘lane’ is and you will not have to feel like you are intruding upon someone else’s time or territory because they will make it clear to others this is your time with them.

Those who are unsure of where or what they want are unable to say or do this and therefore do not make a true effort. These are the ones that leave you confused because they are confused.

Then there are the ones that are just plain dishonest. Instead of saying I would rather be casual or what ever it is they want they lie. They say what they believe you want to hear to get what they want; never knowing if that’s the same as what the other person wanted or not. Or caring for that matter.

The point of EFFORT is deciding to put time into something like an investment. To know it will yield fruit and to nourish it. I assure you that if the person is looking the same things you are, they will notice the effort, they will appreciate it, and they will reciprocate it in their ‘language of love’ as we all still speak different languages of affection, be it quality time, physical touch, gift giving, etc…

Their intelligence will show you that regardless of their resources they will find a way to speak to you in your ‘language’ and put forth the effort without you feeling like you had to pull teeth to get them to do it. Once you show a person you are interested and that you care though it is a definitely a two-way street you should not have to drag either party through communicating and contacting one another. They should always be a thought. Even if the message is simply, ‘I was just thinking about you’. This goes a long way. Believe me.

Learning To Take A Compliment

So my dad always has said to me on more than one occasion I need to learn to take a compliment. My mom MAY have mentioned the same thing, LOL. However, you realize it a bit more when a male says it to you. It’s like, “DANG, am I really that uncomfortable about it?” and they answer is YES, Yes I am!

I realized the more I pay attention to it when people pay me a compliment that I do not even know how to respond. My dad says I should just say thank you. I BLUSH…I actually friggin blush. Until I graduated from college I never blushed a day in durn life. I can bust my butt in front of a ton of people and not care, but in the last few years I have found a new sense of GIRLIE embarrassment. WHERE do you come from and go back to whence you came you foul beast.

I was out the other night and I was being paid a barrage of compliments and the cashier in front of me thought it was hilarious and I kept trying to ignore what was happening around me and could not. I was noticeably uncomfortable and trying to laugh it off and she GIGGLED. I was like she will be telling her friends about this later. I nearly ran out of the store biting my bottom lips so hard half smiling but not really sure what to do. I was so red it was ridiculous yet confused that the situation really just happened.

I guess the issue is that I have always found myself to be just be ME. a bit tom boyish and invisible. I never brought much attention to myself and when I started bringing attention to myself in later years it was a comedian and leader not as someone who was attractive. Even during the moments I felt like tooting my own horn, it was only momentary. I definitely do not feel like that right now during all my weight fluctuations from steroids and just before the surgery. I just feel like me and I’m okay with that. I do not bring attention to me but man apparently the attention keeps coming. I will say I’m not use to it and I’m sorry dad, I cannot just get on board with PRETTY just like that. I’ve never been vain or anything so to know people are very into me and more than one person is so foreign to me.

However, my friends are definitely making sure I get use to the idea. They told me that I am beautiful inside and out and that’s why they love me and I should get use to it. That omission of people not telling me how I look made me humble and that’s good. However, I need to know now they said (not sure why now is any different than before).

I prefer we keep the secret like superwoman…Let it be my superpower or something, LOL.