There was always something in there
Though others may not see it
Shining like diamonds
Sparkling brighter when you are up to something
That smile so contagious
That laugh seems to be the most…
entertaining and
limitless weapon in your arsenal aside from the
magnitude of love you possess;
owning all that you are in stride
Staring into the emptiness
No thoughts no words no dreams in the day
Catatonic
Lips stitched together with the invisible sinew of the pharaohs
Crying out for an explanation
For something anything that makes sense
The world folds in on me in a labyrinth of contrasting light and dark
I sit blinded, unable to adjust
Wishing to get up but an anchor weighs my heart and body to its spot
The captain steers me
My head turns, my teeth appear, and my lips turn upward at the the corners
I nod my head toward someone and move my hands over a flat surface and screen
Then the captain takes me into a room and he lets water run down my face
Daydreamer dreaming about dreams
Dreaming about life
A life that has escaped her
A laugh-less house
A house void of the pitter patter of litter feet
A house that never became a home
Built on cracked glass waiting to burst into a shrapnel
Impaling and then poisoning every aspect of her life
Believing that she have nothing left to give
Nothing left do
She can’t meltdown
Crying seems an abstract thought, she is beyond that
She is angry
Days go by, weeks, months
Then she is calm, too calm
She is thinking about the hurt that was caused
The missed opportunities, past and future
She must start over
But time is not her friend and she honestly does not want to
She blames herself for everything
She finally allows the demon in
It reaps her soul and ravages her very being
So She WEPT
Flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood
I have been flayed slowly one layer at a time
Each piece seemingly to happen over an eternity of tears and curses
Bleeding and praying
Watching my heart pulse, quiver, and sputter
You pull another layer away each time you open your mouth
I watch my brain synapses jump, light up, spark, crackle, and fizzle
Another layer is peeled away as you refuse to share
Finally my remaining muscles are stripped of nutrients and size as I sit waiting
Because the last layer is snatched off the bone because love is lost
Here is a prompt from Pixie Annie that I am trying…
You are in the waiting room at the doctor’s surgery when the guy sitting next to you, collapses on the floor. Everyone else in the room stands and stares, all the doctors are busy with emergencies…over to you.
I have never seen a more haggard and disheveled group of individuals. The woman across from me was in her pajamas with a bathrobe and a scarf sitting in a wheelchair moaning incomprehensively about rabbits and astronauts. The man to my left smelled strongly of booze and he was drooling on my shoulder covered in dirt and what appeared to be blood from where I couldn’t tell and wait! What now? I cannot believe this, this guy just collapsed beside me!
This couldn’t have been a longer day…I’ve been up since 4am working out in the freaking elements, where high winds were stinging my eyes and whipping the sheets of rain across my face like sand. Unfortunately, my job goes on and I was found pulling weeds, mulching flowerbeds, cutting grass with a small machine since a big riding one would leave ruts and divots with this rain, and building one gaudy overpriced pond in the middle of a four acre estate. I mean seriously who still does that. I was waiting all day for my boss to call us in for the day, but no such luck. Then, because it was just my luck, I land myself in the hospital because I got hit in the head (don’t ask me how because I honestly do not know), which is bleeding pretty significantly as head wounds tend to do, and can’t remember anything more.
Now this guy has collapsed and I feel as if I know something about him that should help but I’m not completely sure. No one is really paying attention so I try a few things. First, I look at him, he looks like any other Asian guy except I can possibly guess his age.
I nudge the alcoholic. “Do you know this man?”
“Yes”, he says, “li, li me lone.”
He chuckles passes something from hand to hand a small machine and goes back to sleep.
That seems a bit weird but some people are like that. I touch his arm and see if he moves, nothing happens. Everyone in the rooms is still staring or otherwise preoccupied with their own lives and therefore too busy to help. I try again.
“Um excuse me ma’am, but did you see anyone come in with this man?”
“IF THE DAMN RABBITS FLEW THEN THIS WOULD NOT BE AN ISSUE OF NATIONAL SECURITY AND THE ASTRONAUTS WOULD NOT BE NEEDED IN THE GROUND” screamed disheveled woman
“Right!” I said. And she turned dropped something on the floor the skidded toward another patient.
I’m thinking this is a negligence lawsuit waiting to happen.
The man stayed there like that for another 30 minutes and before I knew it he started to come around just after a quiet lady in the corner made a strange noise that sounded like a cross between a sigh and a whistle like she was missing teeth while sighing too hard. Was it that easy to heal him, Was this part of her ailment, why she was here. I didn’t care. I almost want her to whistle closer to my head. Everyone sort of sat back down over time and the doctors still ignored the man. Eventually a nurse came over and checked on him and took him to the back. Then it was finally my turn. Unfortunately, the sigh whistler didn’t heal me I still couldn’t remember a thing! As I was being rushed along I noticed the small item that was skidded across the floor in her hands, I was glad she was going to give it back to the lady, though in her state she probably did not even notice.
Fast forward 3 months later…
I started to get my memory back and sorted through all my things and belongings after getting out of the hospital.
“Sir, the con artist targeted you when you walked into the hospital. He overheard your symptoms at check-in and used that time to pickpocket you and steal your wallet and insert all his information with his team of criminals in the hospital — those staring bystanders who didn’t help” said the FBI and Homeland Security Agents who took turn telling me about what happened. “They are part of a professional crime ring that make fake ids and sell or use them for their own gains and it only takes 15-30 minutes.” They continued.
As if being in a hospital for 3 months not knowing who you are wasn’t bad enough, then you wake up and remember only to be unsure when you want to know return home to find such a mess. Who would want to come home to outrageous bills, maxed out credit cards, and luxury trips that you never took. Explaining this to creditors, banks, insurance, and the security companies is not easy when you first have to convince them that you were also in the hospital and that you were under the wrong name because you had partial retrograde amnesia (hey I could remember how to speak, eat, walk, and so on so I wasn’t a complete case here people).
Though I still had to pay some of the things, some companies allowed me some grace due to proof of the hospital bills and pictures from the hospitals now required when you check-in with the new Epic system. Unfortunately, it still ruined my credit. I wanted vengeance. It came sooner than I thought…
My first day back to work my boss called me to a new home to create a waterfall feature in a pond, with both a zen and rock garden with bamboo accents. This was going to take all day. I was also praying I didn’t en up with another head injury.
At the last minute the owner came out (which usually doesn’t happen since everything is usually done through contracts with the boss).
“Hello, your work has exceeded expectations; however, I have one more requests that I will gladly pay more for, could you please add cherry blossom trees along the walkway?” Asked the owner.
When I saw the man’s face I instantly recognized him as the con artist. He didn’t seem to recognize me, the mark of a constant con artist.
“I will call one of my workers from one of the other locations to bring over the saplings right away,” I calmly stated, keeping my composure.
In actuality, I called homeland security, who involved the FBI and the local police because they had been looking for this individual for quite some time. Indeed justice was served. I felt like Scooby Doo and the gang foiling his plans when he came out in cuffs and then several other members whose faces I’d seen in the hospital that fateful night followed him as well. I knew they’d be going down at least for my case.
When questioned later, I had one question for the con man.
“How did you end up calling the landscaping company I worked for?” I asked.
“I called the landscaping company I found in my wallet which I had kept as a memento from a wallet I had stolen from while back. However, I would have remembered the name if it was you, but it had your boss’s name on it, so I decided to give them a try. If you are going to lead two lives you really have to lock one away while the other exists or the two can get confused as they did here.” Says the con man.
I just reply, “Or it can simply be karma.”
Here is a prompt from Pixie Annie that I am trying…
You are in the waiting room at the doctor’s surgery when the guy sitting next to you, collapses on the floor. Everyone else in the room stands and stares, all the doctors are busy with emergencies…over to you.
I cannot believe this guy just collapsed beside me! This couldn’t have been a longer day…I’ve been up since 4am working out in the freaking elements, where high winds were stinging my eyes and whipping the sheets of rain across my face like sand. Unfortunately, my job goes on and I was found pulling weeds, mulching flowerbeds, cutting grass with a small machine since a big riding one would leave ruts and divots with this rain, and building one gaudy overpriced pond in the middle of a four acre estate. I mean seriously who still does that. I was waiting all day for my boss to call us in for the day, but no such luck. Then, because it was just my luck, I land myself in the hospital because I got hit in the head (don’t ask me how because I honestly do not know), which is bleeding pretty significantly as head wounds tend to do, and can’t remember anything besides what I did today.
Now this guy has collapsed and I feel as if I know something about him that should help but I’m not completely sure. No one is really paying attention so I try a few things. First, I look at him, he looks like any other Asian guy except I can possibly guess his age. That seems a bit weird but some people are like that. I touch his arm and see if he moves, nothing happens. Everyone in the rooms is still staring or otherwise preoccupied with their own lives and therefore too busy to help. I’m thinking this is a negligence lawsuit waiting to happen.
The man stayed there like that for another 30 minutes and before I knew it he started to come around just after a quiet lady in the corner made a strange noise that sounded like a cross between a sigh and a whistle like she was missing teeth while sighing too hard. Was it that easy to heal him, I almost want her to whistle closer to my head. Everyone sort of sat back down over time and the doctors still ignored the man. Eventually a nurse came over and checked on him and took him to the back. Then it was finally my turn. Unfortunately, the sigh whistler didn’t heal me I still couldn’t remember a thing!
Fast forward 3 months later…
I started to get my memory back and sorted through all my things and belongings after getting out of the hospital. I learned that the Asian man was a con artist that had targeted me when I walked into the hospital. He heard my symptoms upon check-in and used that time to pickpocket me and steal my wallet and insert all his information with his team of criminals in the hospital (those staring bystanders who didn’t help). They made a fake ID and copies of all his information and mine in that time frame and swapped them and put them in my wallet. When I returned home, my credit and my life was in shambles.
As if being in a hospital for 3 months not knowing who you are wasn’t bad enough, then you wake up and remember only to be unsure when you want to know return home to find such a mess. Who would want to come home to outrageous bills, maxed out credit cards, and luxury trips that you never took. Explaining this to creditors, banks, insurance, and the security companies is not easy when you first have to convince them that you were also in the hospital and that you were under the wrong name because you had partial retrograde amnesia (hey I could remember how to speak, eat, walk, and so on so I wasn’t a complete case here people).
Though I still had to pay some of the things, some companies allowed me some grace due to proof of the hospital bills and pictures from the hospitals now required when you check-in with the new Epic system. Unfortunately, it still ruined my credit. I wanted vengeance. It came sooner than I thought…
My first day back to work my boss called me to a new home to create a waterfall feature in a pond, with both a zen and rock garden with bamboo accents. This was going to take all day. Last minute the owner came out (which usually doesn’t happen since everything is usually done through contracts with the boss) to ask me to add in some Japanese cherry blossom saplings. When I saw the man’s face I instantly recognized him as the con artist. He didn’t seem to recognize me, the mark of a constant con artist. I kept my composure. I told him that I would call one of my workers from one of the other locations to bring over the saplings right away.
In actuality, I called homeland security, who involved the FBI and the local police because they had been looking for this individual for quite some time. Indeed justice was served. I felt like Scooby Doo and the gang foiling his plans when he came out in cuffs and then several other members whose faces I’d seen in the hospital that fateful night followed him as well. I knew they’d be going down at least for my case.
When questioned later, the con man said he called the landscaping company he found in a wallet that he stole from a while back. However, he would’ve remembered the name if it was me, but it had my bosses name on it, as the owner, because I hadn’t had mine made yet. He decided to give them a try well you know what they say about karma.
So I went to my appointment with the first therapist last week and as I said she was not great, check my post last week about it, the good and bad of therapy. No she was not the first therapist I have ever had in my life so I have basis for comparison. However, she is actually going to be a therapist for my husband and therefore asked that I come in and give background information because there was so much conflict. My husband and I agreed this was okay. So I did, but I definitely did not like this therapist for myself and needed to quickly find one for myself and one for us to both go to once the timing was right in a a couple of weeks to try to do a session together to hash out or issues.
We decided that he had other issues outside of the marriage he would continue to see her for so he needs her for that and I need my own therapist for the same reason but we will get a third therapist for marital counseling too. WE figure this will help us grow stronger but also to prevent he or myself from feeling as though any particular therapist we already have a ‘relationship’ with is taking sides.
I believe I have chosen that person but we will see. So far he enjoys the therapist I did not like…I do not want us to go to long individualized because as each marital counselor has stated and as I already knew from getting a degree in psychology going to long apart in therapy could cause us to grow apart naturally in our marriage where there is already conflict.
I do believe that with therapy it is possible for us to fix our relationship issues but only if each of us are willing to make changes and sacrifices. Mine will likely come in the form of giving up power while his will likely come in the form of needing to learn how to take on responsibility. It is something I am uncomfortable doing when I feel I cannot trust giving up power and it going the right way. It does not have to go my way as long as it WORKS. I need to see organization, plans, a system to know that things will happen. Too many times I have tried to trust that this will be the case and then at the final hour, minute, second realized, there was nothing and I have to scoop up everything and do it myself…(that’s if I let it get that far without my plan b already planned to the 9’s style).
On the plus side, in addition to finishing up with his dr. this week. I get to see my doctor and have my first hypnotherapy session and I am excited. I can hardly wait and I plan to incorporate it into either my morning routine or my bedtime routine as part of my meditation. I am just thrilled!
So recently a string of funny moments have been occurring to me that I just must share. How they happen to me at the times that they do I do not even begin to know.
The first one was in passing a bus the other night that had strange animal eyes on the side of if by the name of their mascot I’m assuming called the bearcats. WHAT THE HECK IS A BEARCAT. I mean did they really just run out of scary animals…this animal is seemed made up to me until i researched it. At first I was like it is like the bearillas and mebras we hear about in the wild or jackalopes even, LOL.
Then I found out that the reason I have never heard of it is because the GEEK in me studied animals by their proper names and I remembered something about about a bin…something and looked it up and seeing sports teams and bearcat sparked something and found the durn thing. It’s called a Binturong it’s like a panda. Which I love pandas which is why I remember the proper name (again geek). But they are more docile which made me wonder why a team would want a mascot after them…I guess they are skillful but not very athletic, LOL.
My parents actually have a full set of encyclopedia’s in their house that I actually use to go through when I was little and geography books (when you get grounded and love to learn it’s not really punishment parents, maybe you should have taken my books away then I would have stopped the first time around, LMBO).
My next funny moment came while I was at work listening to my music and cleaning. I was in the zone. I was on autopilot and totally jamming out with my bluetooth headphones in. Then comes a call. I was like man, i should ignore it but it could be important so I took a peek. It was a number I did not recognize and I said well I am working and I need to get this done quickly so I can get home and sleep…But It could be my friend for our outing this weekend…so I called it back….
The person immediately sounded like a recording when answering because she did not even breathe she launched right into her spill:
“Thank you for calling back my name is….with mortgages at an all time ….” I was like huh wait whoa…she was like do you own a home. I was like no I have an apartment I rent and do not call me again. GEESH. She messed up my whole vibe cold calling me and did not even have her facts straight. How she got my number and thought that was ok was beyond me. Most people do not own a home yet and she pulled that at 7:30pm when people would be finishing dinner and putting children to bed if they had any getting ready for bed themselves if they weren’t working 2 jobs, LOL. I fumed about that for about 5 more minutes thinking about calling her back and giving her a piece of my mind. I had to turn my music way up to get back into what I was doing before she cost me my sanity…silly woman.
My third moment came when I probably seemed like I could care less yesterday but that wasn’t the case I was just tired and like mothers and people who are used to someone who requires a great deal of energy you only respond to the emergencies, LOL. SOOOO when he screamed in the kitchen instead of rushing in there I yelled in there and asked if he was ok like any sane person who put a capable adult or older person in charge of bacon and eggs in a kitchen would do, LMBO. I only asked him to get me a drink and he should have been done cooking but maybe a dish was still hot and he may have burned himself slightly. He responded back saying he was ok but was still yelping, so I yelled back do you need first aid. Again, I was dog tired, I had been up since 4am and running on 90 minutes of sleep from the night before and it was 9:30pm. He says manages a garbled no.
He comes hobbling minutes later into the room after I thought that perhaps he went and bought and cultivated the sugar cane fields in which he was making my drink. He tells me of how he went to open the freezer and piece of ice magically flies (and I’m thinking like superman) and spears him in the bed of his toenail (hitting him like kryptonite) and crippling him (seemingly forever) which is why he was in pain. I tell him he will be ok I was thinking he got burned I say. He says we thanks sarcastically. Then I say well be glad I cared if you were hurt, LOL. He says I am honest, and I knew he meant it but he tried to milk this ice knife injury for all it was worth sliding his foot down the hall like it was bleeding and would fall off if you looked at it. I’m telling you I was holding back my laughter so hard I was shedding real tears and gave myself a durn headache. I had to hold it back though because with my husband if I didn’t he would be in the first aid bin I have and wrapping his injury like it did bleed wasting my supplies coming out like a mummy looking oh so special. I swear I need to find a locking bin for my first aid supplies the way he goes through them because I have top grade things and a bin that is 2×3 feet because of the medical things I go through and do and have done over the years and he goes through it like it’s water. It is not cheap! This is not dress up, LOL. Men and their sickness and injuries!
Have you ever been so tired AND sleepy (becasue the two are not the same thing) that you know you should not be allowed to operate heavy machinery and this includes things like the door, a fork, and especially your phone!
My lord you would have thought I took some prescription pain pills last night the way I was giggling and carrying on. My husband was like I thought you kicked me out to go to bed but here you are still up and playing on your phone and then I give him a sheepish grin and he instantly whips out his phone to check snap chat to see if I did something stupid, LOL. Then when he is relieved there, he snatches my phone and starts reading because he knows I was talking about him and dies laughing because his suspicions were right and me and a friend were having a nonsense conversation about silliness that he and his brothers/ friends would probably engage in all based from a snap chat comment she made earlier in the day.
I mean we were both tired and the snap chat conversation sounded like were both high on laughing gas and both trying to have intelligent conversation but failing horribly. My husband looked at the messages and was like REALLY you seriously envision me and friends doing these things eh? I said I don’t know why that would have popped in my head it just did, LOL. Would it have popped in my head if I wasn’t so sleepy (most of it no) but last night my sanity was stripped raw and the ‘in’ was peeking out. I have no words for it and I didn’t apologize because it was funny and no harm. Not to mention karma was my best friend as I only got 90 minutes of sleep after all that and had to get up at 4am. I was so tired but sleep just would not come.
Our conversations went from nip slips to horrible bosses 1 and the playground incident to kindergartners having 5 0′ clock shadows and deeper voices than most men and most everything in between. I have no idea how it all happened. Moreover, as my husband ran around trying to clean the house and wash his clothes he just kept shaking his head because I kept giggling and being silly. I am not sure if it was all as funny as I was making it out to be, if I needed the laugh, if I was that tired, or a combination of all the above, but last night was quite interesting, I hope I get more sleep tonight
…Otherwise opening tomorrow (getting up at 4am) again is going to take a prayer that much like the one this morning:
Lord,
I thank you for waking this morning…(inner thought-though I could have used more sleep)
I am thankful for seeing another day and for you starting me on my way
But really…I need this body to get some act rite today! Cus being at work today looking like who dun it why so sleepy I can barely play it off is a shame!
I’m nauseous and my eyes are swollen and head tryna hurt b/c I’m sleepy and tired! (SIDE SELF SHOUTING–Get yo life body! Cus I do not believe this is what God is sayin to you this morning!)
And if I trip ova, run into, or drop one MO THANG, we gone turn this thing around and call in sick! Cus we ain’t gon make it thru this day! I just don’t see it working out for me or these poor clients safey!
Cus you still workin on me and er um…
In your holy and righteous name (see can’t even pray right)
AMEN!
I am probably one of those weird people you pick on or laugh at because they just do not know how to stop. I enjoy doing research and sometimes to a fault. I find myself going down the rabbit hole and sometimes hours have passed where I only mean to spend a few minutes looking into something.
I have a deep thirst for knowledge. But do not get it wrong, just like with anything I enjoy what I choose to learn about. I find things that interest me. However, there are times that I force myself to learn about things that are relevant so that I am not ignorant to what is happening in the world. I do not like to look completely out of the loop in educated and sophisticated conversation when in my corporate environment. I also think that to move and groove in this world you need to understand that even if you do not agree with all the politics and judicial hoopla of the world that you should at least know what is occurring because it usually will affect you or someone you know in some way.
I have learned that it is best to have some tacit and fluid knowledge about these things so that when it comes up in conversation (and it will when you least expect it) that you can advise someone on it or give your take in a well versed manner and then bow out gracefully saying your piece and and sometimes it’s really just PEACE to prevent from taking a true side because you are not willing to.
I have found that with some of my friends, family, and co-workers they have brought up interesting conversations about every aspect of life. These things have affected them or someone they know or have weighed heavily on them in some way and they have voiced them to me. I may not have a true view or opinion of them but I immediately begin mulling things over in my mind and deciding how I may feel in my head about it. What I know about such things from trending things and books I have read and then if I can remember any articles or recent discussions I may have had recently. I typically do not watch much news (though I have been getting better about this lately trying to do so about 30-60 min a week). I know that may sound strange but I find that by looking over articles and finding supporting information I feel more scholarly like when I was in school and I can build a case for what is valid, reliable, and sustainable. My friends sort of look at me as someone who is a fact checker of such information.
I enjoy the unvoiced position I have be given. They asked me what I think about a particular topic and if I do not know about it, they feed me a few bits about it. I come up with my own opinions and thoughts, and then they ask me about it again in about 24-48 hours because they want to finish the conversation if they give me that long, LOL. They know I will look up the information and they know I will come with the facts and let them know if indeed something is debatable, worth looking into, and if it will become our next fb conversation to chime in on.
I may not read the 1000pg book on science but I will read the 20-50 page scientific article on it. I also enjoy the lovely thesis papers and the almost fiction books that are partially based on it. Moreover, if you give me a documentary on it, a non-fiction book, or biographical book on the subject i’m all in! I loved the down an dirty or plain and simple version of what really happened! I loved adding the tidbits that most people would never know from online and that most people would never remember from real life knowing the person or otherwise. It’s fun dropping ‘secret’ hints about things. I love that insider information that comes from learning. I am such a geek…Way to go parents…you succeeded!
Myasthenia Gravis 