relationships

Stupefy

Posted on by Lady CAS

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‘What’s the name of the spell that paralyzing people in Harry Potter?’, asked Philly. We were laying in and he randomly asked me this.

I sat for a moment, caught off guard, said huh and then responded stupefy! I have no idea why I said huh first it seems to be a reaction at times because it hits my ears or maybe even my brain late.

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I don’t know if his mind was still reeling from earlier that night or what but he seemed to be pulling one of my numbers and making the punchlines for me. Earlier that night I had the most intense cramps in my calves I had ever experienced in my life. They were so bad that I could not walk, could see the muscle spasming, and literally took my breath away each time it jumped. I thought we might have to go to the hospital because unlike the first time I experienced blood clots in my legs this time I was nearly certain that I might have some.

I have NEVER felt this sort of pain in my legs before. I screamed in pain and the pain lasted for well over 30 minutes. I could not ever touch the area to begin with. Philly was beside himself. However, he would not show this of course. He tried to massage the area which hurt, then he tried to massage my feet which helped at first. Then that didn’t work. Then he tried to get me to sip water. We realized immediately I was severely dehydrated. Moreover, he he was trying his best to calm my breathing which has suffered greatly from the stress of it all going on about an hour at this point.

He sounded like my Lamaze partner,

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coaching me through deep breathing exercises and giving me encouraging words and rubs on my back while holding me. Ok maybe he wasn’t that intense but he was quite soothing after I was able to relax

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It was like a combination of the 2 in my mind

But eventually he also remembered I probably needed some magnesium after a bit of research and got me some dark chocolate. I was a bit reluctant at first since I thought part of the reason I was in that mess was because of the dehydration from salt and sugar and sweating all day with little water. We had a state fair extravaganza and my poor body had been through the wringer.

I even spent the rest of the weekend so afraid of those cramps again I barely did much else. I will say this, I will be stocking up on gatorade and pedialyte pops ASAP to replenish what was lost since I let myself get so run down. This is not like me.

I have to be careful I am too close to my surgery to sabotage it and I do not want to jeopardize me in general nor scare Philly like that again. My MG scares or health scares seem to come out of no where. We are having a good time watching t.v. or eating and then boom. Poor thing.

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The TUG of WAR

Posted on by Lady CAS

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I have been battling the biggest battle of tug of war in my life and it is all within myself. Usually we struggle with good and bad or right and wrong. However, sometimes things are not that clear cut and black and white. Sometimes they are what is right for you at that time…If you pray on it enough, it will be right for all parties eventually.

The struggle I have been having was that AT FIRST, I was finding it hard to even pray over the situation. Now I can at least find comfort in God again. This definitely makes me feel better about things. However, I am still fighting an inner struggle as I have an issue of trust between me and the relationship that is in question.

When you lose trust, you wonder if you even want allow yourself to try again with the person if they have been given many opportunities as a friend or lover and they continue to take it for granted as if you HAVE to STAY there. You start saying things like I could text them and ask them how their day was? Or ask about their family? Or ask them their plans for the weekend…Then you say well it works both ways and I have been the only one doing this before and then I got nothing. You wonder if you are being selfish, childish, teaching them a lesson, or punishing them. You wonder if you are giving trust where they do not deserve it.

Then you wonder if you give this small token and try again will they assume everything is back to normal and begin where they left off…making you feel less than what you are, disrespected, friendless, alone, lied to perhaps and a bevy of other emotions and epitaphs.

So then you ask, why would I, or anyone else have this huge tug of war and not just cut the person off? If only it were that easy. We all say it is that easy. But it is always easier said than done until it is you and it takes you longer than normal to realize it was you getting taken advantage of. When I was younger it used to take me a long time to realize it. Then I got smart and would cut people loose before either of us were really attached and therefore I never really felt a loss. However, now as I age I have found that sometimes, those that you keep in your life  longer than a season may be catfishing you.

They make you think they belong when in fact they do not. Moreover, those that are ‘supposed’ to be in your life for the long haul and grow with you can be so taxing that sometimes you still have to let them go because their growth is more like a leech. With God this growth may be harder but it should still work; however, you get people who are so negative and venomous and not ready for change that they suck all the good qualities right out of you and you struggle to get back to being the person you were and they do not know how to give anything back to YOU to help you once they have used you all up and become better for themselves.

The funny part is rarely do ‘friends’ that you must cut off ever really fight to stay in your life once you decide to cut them loose because they got everything out of you that they wanted. However, this time I guess the reason I am struggling so much is because this person is actually fighting to stay in my life. Again considering that I am not related to the person, this says a lot, but it also says that I can still cut them loose at anytime to protect me from further harm. No one deserves to feel as though they are being forced to stay in a relationship out of obligation no matter the type of relationship.

Sometimes the obligations come in the form of duties such as children if you are married, or if you are friends the fact that you have known each other since elementary school, or because they saved your life or helped you through a difficult time in your life. However, we all can outgrow someone and you do not have to stay becasue of those things. Even children. You can still make arrangements and be amicable for the the sake of the kids but live your own lives separately for happiness.

I still have not made a decision and it have been a few weeks dealing with this struggle. Obviously there are other reasons involved that I would rather not divulge at this point. However, I will say that since the trust was broken, I feel I have a right to take my time making my decision and that it’s ok for me to feel this way right now. I believe it is normal for me feel torn between wanting things to be right but not being ready to let this person back in yet since they hurt me and have not proven themselves worthy of trust yet. They have not earned it back and I do not feel ready to begin showing even small strides on the levels that I know I could do because I do not want WANT to. I just feel that is not fair to give that person what they desire when I have been lacking for so long and then as they try to give it now, it feels its only because they have screwed up and are losing me…This may not be, they may truly have learned their lesson but I need to see this change indefinitely before or at least consistently for longer than a few weeks before I make any movement on my part.

I know this sounds a bit harsh and even down right stubborn but, when you are talking about matters of the heart, one grows tired of being hurt and in and pain and will do whatever it takes to prevent it from happening again! I hope am able to get to a point of forgiveness for myself or the person for my own sanity! However, this does not mean that the person gets to ‘stay in my life’ just because I forgive them, only that I have found peace and can coincide with them amicably and move on.

 

Mastery of Life and Career

Posted on by Lady CAS

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So when I was in psychology courses during my masters programs it taught me that when given gradually increasing responsibility and autonomy that one gains mastery over their environment, job, and requires increasing challenges to become an expert. Many studies proved this point. It is partly due to the intrinsic nature of what they are doing and the trust they are given. This requires a certain amount of trust on both the employee’s part and the employer’s side. The employee must prove that they can handle the responsibility and be trusted to do the work and if they cannot handle it, that they can use the resources around them to find the solution. Moreover, they have to be trusted to actually be doing work when not being supervised.

On the behalf of the employer, one has to be trusted to give rules and expect the employee to stay in those bounds and not micromanage. They must also be fair in pay and dealing when giving out responsibility based on scope of work and so on.

I believe this is true in a relationship as well. We need to understand that control works both ways just as within a career. One needs to be able to control one’s job just as they would a relationship. Each individual has to control what they allow to stress them by creating rules and boundaries. Moreover, each person needs to do a lot of observing.

You could have a spouse that is so use to others in their past that were so all over them always asking where they were  (or even you) that when you learn to stop doing it that they EXPECT IT. SO when you stop and learn control and patience they actually have a problem with it. They start believing you no longer care.  Because they associated that behavior with you caring for them. When in fact it was insecurity and you learning how to be more secure and enjoying life more with yourself (learning to be at ease alone…not clingy or being more trusting).

For me, once my husband got a car of his own when we were dating and learned that I did not like him being out all hours of the night and started keeping normal hours, he no longer got crazy phone call from me. He then could not understand why I did not blow up his phone. I say because I know where you are and unless you lied I assume you are fine and I have other things to be doing right now. It’s not that I do not care but, you said that is where you would be and I believe you and have no reason to be worried because you are busy right!?! It baffled him. My dad says man you just do not care! But I think it is because he has had similar dealings with my mom and over the years she has become the same way. LOL! We are trusting you to be doing what you said, and as an added bonus we have learned to be extremely happy doing something else while our busy husband are elsewhere since they work SO MANY HOURS and are so busy and now you are interrupting that now let me get back to my book, wine, nap, blogging, friends, crafting, or other activity I have found to do, LOL.

I also use to say good morning to him almost every morning before we started dating and when we first started dating and send him silly messages. But he was always too busy or focused on someone or something else to answer. Unless you really just do not look at your phone all day because it has to stay away (which is my day most days) it takes 10 seconds to respond and say hi or say I love you back or something silly. But he would ignore it. So now I do it too him sometimes and he gets to see how it feels and I said it doesn’t feel too good does it. You did it too me for 2 years. I am just giving you a taste and you can barely handle it.

I have learned this much about observing my husband, he like any man is sensitive. They try to pretend that they are STONE. But they are not. They are soft as pudding. They show you in a million ways when their feelings are hurt by acting out. They can be just as moody as women but then deny it. I do not baby and coddle my husband but he has learned to stop saying to me the next time I am doing something show me because I will. Now he knows every mood. He is fully aware now, LOL. However, I do not rub things in face (ok not as much). I try to let him work things out for himself and mature in that nature. However, it needs to be in growth. Just as with a career, we have to learn that we cannot just shut down and ignore our colleague or boss because we are upset with them. Especially in the case of being upset with your boss you have to learn to find ways to work in the same space with them while working through your anger, so you learn skills that will get you through the moment. If it’s breathing in 6 counts, holding it for 4 counts, and letting it out for 10; taking a short walk; changing the subject if possible; talking through your anger; finding your happy place (envisioning a place of serenity).

Are you the master of your life?

Getting the Spark Back

Posted on by Lady CAS

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I heard an interesting topic on the radio about a young woman who had been married for 7 months and who already felt unattracted to her husband. She prefaced it with she is a Christian woman and that she she was finding many other men attractive but not her husband and was seeking the help of the radio personality for advice.

During this segment his readers tend to call in and weigh on the topic and usually in the most positive and respectful manner, not many radio shows where they can tear a person down as it is a Christian show. They are quite therapeutic. I found this particularly refreshing.

The radio personality first responded by giving his personal account saying that marriage has it’s ups and downs and that he had gone through this himself and how he handled his situation. But that as always and COMMUNICATION is the key.

We always cringe and feel this is so cliche but it is the pivotal corner stone that without it all else would fail. I kept waiting for someone on the call to say maybe she rushed into marriage…but at this point it was a moot point and though many may have thought it, it was a negative thought and again may not have been the case. It could have simply been just as stated that they lacked communication.

Most of us get married and forget how to communicate as we once did. We forget how to be there as we once were for one another. We get busy with life. We forget how to date one another and send those texts or have those phone calls we once had with one another. We forget to send flowers, give compliments, or dress nice every so often for just your spouse.

And though we hate to admit sometimes it could be that the spouse gained some weight and it’s the hard talk of not physically being attracted for that reason. But then you have to be prepared to be their rock to get them back on track. Both of you eating healthy, cooking healthy, and having fun doing it. Planning fun and great workouts, not just sending them to their ‘doomed’ trainer and so on and saying YOU need to do this and leaving them to do it all alone and just paying for it…that’s not how it works.

Sometimes communication requires you both taking a closer look and what is holding you both where you are. Do you have a plan “b” in your phone causing your roaming eye as you and your spouse stumble? Delete the numbers and maybe block/ unfriend these people on social media so that you can fully pour all your efforts into your spouse again and only truly have eyes for your spouse again.

Marriage does have it’s ups and downs but unless you are willing to go to therapy, pray, or fight for it, you will not be able to get that spark back and you will continue to drift apart. You have to work at marriage all the time. You are two different people, from different backgrounds, who lead two different lives and come home with a day’s worth of different emotions and then are expected to live a life a together. It’s possible but you have to want it!

A Reflection of Love

Posted on by Lady CAS

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Art by Leonid Afremov

A Reflection of Love
Warm wrinkles whispering to one another as they sit on the park bench
The autumn air nipping at their faces and she turns her collar up and turns toward him

Fussing over his buttons as he looks at her in mock agitation
How he hates for her to fuss over him in public

The light catches her hair and though it has turned white there are still hints of the beautiful hues of old in it

The light touches her face and eyes and gives her the warm glow that reminds him of why he fell in love with her

The pure quizzical look she gives everything
How everything seems so sweet, new and exciting
How much love there is to be had and how warm and cozy live is with her

All these things he could see reflecting back in her eyes as he watched her
so much to be said in the silence

Sitting across from them I can only wonder,
Do we mirror?

CREEPY! Nutter Stalker!

Posted on by Lady CAS

Have you ever had a thought that if something you did to someone or something you did in general could cause something to happen to you later in life. In other words Karma!

I am fully believe in Karma but I also believe that some people are completely weird and creepy and not in a good goth way or in unique #teamweird way as I proclaim to be, lol. I mean in a *it rubs the lotion on it’s skin or it gets the hose again*

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I made a joke to my mom about one guy in particular I dated that who continues to contact me who honestly seemed sweet when we dated but yea all the cheese slipped off his cracker later.

I mean dude threw a tantrum (not an exaggeration) in my neighbors yard at 2am after I broke things off with him. My dad made him get up and told him basically to man up  (in probably not those nice words) get in the car, and drove him to the grey hound station.

Then he did not even use his money to go back home to his state, because he had HOPE! lol! He stayed here, thinking we would get back together unbeknownst to me. (stalker tendencies in action).

He then went to the ER and used me as his emergency contact and swore he did not do it. I’m like how else would they get my information then? Not out of thin air because you are from another state and you have no family here so…Then he pretended to hate me and would not speak to me. The nurse asked me what they wanted me to do. My thought was put him in a psychiatric ward. I was hoping after I explained everything, they would, but they did not. Instead they offered to buy him a ticket home. to his state. I said that should be good enough.

I do not know if he ever went back, but I sure hope he did. He continues to write me about 1-3 times a year to ‘check’ on me and wish me well on the holidays which I feel means the opposite (unless I am with him.) Again he still has hope. Then he always ask if I still work in the same place which I refuse to say one way or the other. You won’t catch me slipping nutter. Then when he invites me to hang sometime I think yea like that will happen. We are not friends anymore. All I keep thinking is how if I was ever that loopy to accept such an invite I would probably walk into a room and there would be no windows and no handles to get back out the durn door.

Yeah, on second thought, though I have blocked him from all social media and he cannot see my profiles (even his emails go directly into a special folder marked *threat*…I am wondering if I need to now get a restraining order…I’m just saying I want there to be clear evidence of my disappearance if ever it were to occur. LMBO. We will not have a manitowoc murder here! If you have no idea what that is you need to watch the netflix docuseries making of a murderer which I will be doing a review of soon 😉 so stay tuned!

 

Are You Interesting?

Posted on by Lady CAS

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I will be the first to say that I curse at times but it is not often. I found that I did it around some people more than others and it was more of a peer pressure (fitting in) sort of thing. I found that when I am not around them it simply does not happen, and I prefer it. So then I realized maybe I should limit my time around these people. I also realized that profanity is not just the four letter words that one drops but the concepts and ideas that one holds about life. The obscene views one holds.

The sad part was that some of them were family. However, I refused to feel as if I had to prove myself to be something I was not to be around them. I felt like every time I was around them I was not enough for this small particular group of individuals. Mind you this is not my whole family just a select few. I found that they spoke pretty of ill of me behind my back and I stupidly kept trying to force a bond between myself and them. Only to find later it was in vain. They thought I was to ‘uppity’ and that I looked down on them. However, the truth was that I truly saw more potential and would try help. Only to learn that after being taken advantage of like the new member meeting them that I was the fool.

So I stopped and that’s why I was being talked about. Because I refused to keep being taken advantage of. I refused to continue to keep reaching out when it was not a two way street. I was doing all the reaching out to some and some would never reach out to me. So I quit reaching out. Not out of spite, but out of necessity for my fragile heart and then because my health problems just did not allow me to keep up with them.

The funny part was that they still did not check on me even then. So I keep to myself and reach out to those who wish for me to and we have healthy non profane relationships. We catch up and I still send my love to the rest of the family regardless if they care or not (which I always hope they do). I have learned how to better control my profane acts. Moreover, I will say that when a person makes a change they have relapses and they must make a plan to recover and get back on the boat. I do not have these often but when it happens it is usually in moments of anger or extreme depression and I will say that my best way to recover is remember that it is only temporary and that I have come to far and accomplished too many wonderful things to go back to that life.