So when I was in psychology courses during my masters programs it taught me that when given gradually increasing responsibility and autonomy that one gains mastery over their environment, job, and requires increasing challenges to become an expert. Many studies proved this point. It is partly due to the intrinsic nature of what they are doing and the trust they are given. This requires a certain amount of trust on both the employee’s part and the employer’s side. The employee must prove that they can handle the responsibility and be trusted to do the work and if they cannot handle it, that they can use the resources around them to find the solution. Moreover, they have to be trusted to actually be doing work when not being supervised.
On the behalf of the employer, one has to be trusted to give rules and expect the employee to stay in those bounds and not micromanage. They must also be fair in pay and dealing when giving out responsibility based on scope of work and so on.
I believe this is true in a relationship as well. We need to understand that control works both ways just as within a career. One needs to be able to control one’s job just as they would a relationship. Each individual has to control what they allow to stress them by creating rules and boundaries. Moreover, each person needs to do a lot of observing.
You could have a spouse that is so use to others in their past that were so all over them always asking where they were (or even you) that when you learn to stop doing it that they EXPECT IT. SO when you stop and learn control and patience they actually have a problem with it. They start believing you no longer care. Because they associated that behavior with you caring for them. When in fact it was insecurity and you learning how to be more secure and enjoying life more with yourself (learning to be at ease alone…not clingy or being more trusting).
For me, once my husband got a car of his own when we were dating and learned that I did not like him being out all hours of the night and started keeping normal hours, he no longer got crazy phone call from me. He then could not understand why I did not blow up his phone. I say because I know where you are and unless you lied I assume you are fine and I have other things to be doing right now. It’s not that I do not care but, you said that is where you would be and I believe you and have no reason to be worried because you are busy right!?! It baffled him. My dad says man you just do not care! But I think it is because he has had similar dealings with my mom and over the years she has become the same way. LOL! We are trusting you to be doing what you said, and as an added bonus we have learned to be extremely happy doing something else while our busy husband are elsewhere since they work SO MANY HOURS and are so busy and now you are interrupting that now let me get back to my book, wine, nap, blogging, friends, crafting, or other activity I have found to do, LOL.
I also use to say good morning to him almost every morning before we started dating and when we first started dating and send him silly messages. But he was always too busy or focused on someone or something else to answer. Unless you really just do not look at your phone all day because it has to stay away (which is my day most days) it takes 10 seconds to respond and say hi or say I love you back or something silly. But he would ignore it. So now I do it too him sometimes and he gets to see how it feels and I said it doesn’t feel too good does it. You did it too me for 2 years. I am just giving you a taste and you can barely handle it.
I have learned this much about observing my husband, he like any man is sensitive. They try to pretend that they are STONE. But they are not. They are soft as pudding. They show you in a million ways when their feelings are hurt by acting out. They can be just as moody as women but then deny it. I do not baby and coddle my husband but he has learned to stop saying to me the next time I am doing something show me because I will. Now he knows every mood. He is fully aware now, LOL. However, I do not rub things in face (ok not as much). I try to let him work things out for himself and mature in that nature. However, it needs to be in growth. Just as with a career, we have to learn that we cannot just shut down and ignore our colleague or boss because we are upset with them. Especially in the case of being upset with your boss you have to learn to find ways to work in the same space with them while working through your anger, so you learn skills that will get you through the moment. If it’s breathing in 6 counts, holding it for 4 counts, and letting it out for 10; taking a short walk; changing the subject if possible; talking through your anger; finding your happy place (envisioning a place of serenity).
Are you the master of your life?