love

It was Fair

Posted on by Lady CAS

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Bells, whistles, ferris wheels, cotton candy, funnel cakes, and tons of walking. Yes its that time of year. When the weather turns a bit chilly and the state fair comes to town. I went today with Philly and had a ball. It was his first time going to the fair in North Carolina. He actually enjoyed it.

We went before it got to packed. Less people children and annoying sounds, I guess missing the point of the fair. Philly was like, wait so people pay $10 to come in and people watch and walk around and then pay more money to do everything in here? His face like we were all stupid

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And I was like no, there are free concerts, shows, galleries, meet and greets with local celebrities and regular celebrities (sometimes), and demonstrations. But yes, there are MANY things here that you have to pay for. His face then

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I only do amusement park rides because I dont trust rides that are thrown up in a few days and taken down just as quickly.

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So I’m one of those people that just goes for the food.

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But before you judge me

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Know that i only really eat like this once a year. I know you make be thinking yea right but hear me out. Fair foods only come once a year and the funny part is that i do not even get all things that are traditional fair foods. But i have to have these items each year at the fair and i have specific vendors I will only go to and get them.

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I must have an Italian sausage with peppers, a gourmet funnel cake (each year i get a different one but always at the same vendor- this year it was a turtle brownie funnel cake), and vanilla ice cream with rainbow flavor burst (gel piping around the curves). As usual the cone was bigger than my head!

Philly enjoyed the sounds and smells too. We even went to enjoy one of my favorite games beat the guesser. Where the person guesses your age, weight, or birth month. They have to be within 2 years of your age, 2 months for your birth month, and 3 lbs for your weight. I always do my weight because they are never anywhere  near it. The man looked did a complete assessment was spot on with everyone else that came near him and when I walked up was under by over 30lbs. It always happens. It makes me feel better for sure.

Philly was tempted to try his age but didn’t I think he should have. No one ever gets it right! I won a purple rabbit, only because there were no blue ones (I love blue and I love rabbits).

I saw this look on Philly’s face.

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He said so what (as a chef) people can charge whatever they want at these booths and no one questions that 2 booths down it’s the same thing? How do I get into this?

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Next year Philly has learned that the earlier the better. And he just may have a booth next year so be on the look out for him!

It was an awesome day.

 

Dream me a little dream

Posted on by Lady CAS

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Everyone has dreams that they wish they could just live inside of, even those dreams that they feel guilty they had but still did not want to end. I can honestly say the only time I feel guilty about my dreams now are because I of what was suppose to be and did not come to pass and where I want to be.

However, I am honestly (as I said just a few days ago) getting back to happy. I just cannot keep allowing others to make me feel so trapped and closed in, stifled and suffering while they somehow get pleasure and I don’t.

My dreams have always been both an escape and a warning/lesson. they tend to passively remind and teach me the things that I do not want to see or learn when I am awake. Moreover, my dreams are an escape into the great possibilities that can be when I just let myself drift and stop fighting.

Even if sometimes they do get a little weird…that just makes it more interesting because usually it doesn’t even seem weird until I really think about it a few days later. Usually weird seems perfectly normal to me. I enjoy a weird life! #teamweird

Why Most Women Nag: You do not have to know how she feels to try

Posted on by Lady CAS

Many men claim the biggest thing their wives do that annoy them is nag. However, have you ever really say and wondered why? Though sometimes it is. We don’t want to do it! We don’t wake up saying, “what can we nag them about today?” It’s stressful! However, it happens! Like it isn’t just because she learned it from her mom, she is a control freak, or you just don’t do things.

I have found that it can be a culmination of these things but coupled with our need to see the that person actually goes through changes to get that task done on time.

Likely when we ask the first time having never asked the person we give them the benefit of the doubt and HOPE they will do it. But when they let us down we lose some trust for them. More over if it happens again even if they apologize like the first time we no longer trust them and though they could be genuine, they still have not gone through any changes to prevent it from happening again.

They are still not as annoyed or concerned as you are and won’t be. Which would be fine if they at least tried to put forth an effort to take on tasks appropriately.

So sadly when people get divorced one day I don’t understand how she left over toothpaste in the sink, not putting the glass in the dishwasher, or some other small chore that is not that. It’s the fact that there was no reaction, no trust to get it dome and she was tired of being shut down and shut out. She was tired of doing it for them so she quit because they could not see the bigger picture. I say this from watching it happen countless times with friends, family, and countless bloggers. I say this from being married and telling my husband, “do you want to be like such and such…then straighten up and fly right, LOL” Because though we joke he understands the seriousness behind my tone.

She should not have to nag. She should be able to trust and depend that you care about her emotions (even if you do not understand them) and what may be important enough to try and help even if you cannot feel what she is feeling. Compromise is key.

Growing Together

Posted on by Lady CAS

I have learned a lot since being married that I did not quite understand while dating my husband. He is more quirky than I realized, some may say complex but that is not true. Complex would imply that he truly was on a deeper level at times and though sometimes he is many times he is not but he is simply quirky and living the #teamweird life that I thrive off of. He has no idea, rhyme, or reason for why he does some things and is waiting to be guided toward something that gives him purpose at times.

He is truly one of the most laid back go with the flow or NOT guys I know. He will sit and do nothing for ever then suddenly he must be going somewhere for no reason at all just to sit and do more nothing (at least that is how it seems to me).

But as a woman I know it is because he wants to hang with the guys. I have learned that my husband and I together are interesting to others. We actually make other people stare in a very comical way most times. We bond together through games which is basically how we met (a recreational softball league). It’s obvious we have this in common and enjoy. So it is only natural that we play a ton of computer games, cards, board games, mobile games, console games, and so on. We also can be very competitive. We aren’t usually sore losers/ winners though thank goodness. I think we would probably divorce if we were, LOL. I cannot stand a sore loser or winner it drives me crazy.

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My husband is also a very touchy feely (COLD-NATURED) person. what this means is he wants to nuzzle and cuddle under my hot-natured self all the time and I cannot deal, LOL. I feel like I am going to ignite and spontaneously combust into flames each time he touches me for more than 3 seconds.  I feel like I was burned where ever his skin has come into contact with mine though in actually it may have slightly become warmer and even clammy though he NEVER notices. He is just happy to be near me and touched. He is just a very affectionate person. I used to be this way until I was broken by one ex in particular transitioning from high school to college. I tried my hardest even then to ignore the fact that we were both hot-natured but he was not a touchy feely person and pushed me away constantly and it made me self-conscious about be near people in that way. I have been unable to revert and being hot-natured has made it easy not to want to go back, PLUS with MG it makes me SUPER weak when I get over heated because I get up feeling like spaghetti and then I have issues talking and eating. So yea…I need to get him a little stuffed animal, blanket, or a something.

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Another thing I have learned is that my husband is a very visual learner and must not only hear you ASK him something but he needs to see it to remember it. Moreover, even if you think you are asking it becasue it is the inflection in you voice where you think it is obvious that it was a question and that it was nice or a joke, he may have taking the tone completely different depending on his mood because my husband has just come to terms that he is more emotional that he would like to think. Like most men they bottle up their emotions but for him he did this way more than most for so long that it caused some deeper issues and now he tends to wear them on his sleeve with those closest to him and take it out on us. I have had to learn to show him when he is doing it and to lovingly and patiently help him see this is not conducive to our marriage and especially the situation. That is not always easy for such an outspoken woman…I had to learn how to be tight-lipped some days. Then explain later how I felt and that I am glad he got the point before I kindly dotted all his I’s (eyes) crossed his T’s (testes) and gave him the biscuit he asked for at breakfast (throat punched him).

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I love him though. Now if I could only get the little scavenger to stop eating my snacks. He has one more time before I…

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1 Year ago today- Blogging Star

Posted on by Lady CAS

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So maybe I’m not a blogging star but I have become a hero and star in my own right! I feel like I have accomplished more than I ever thought was possible by blogging. I feel like I have already written and finished a book from blogging alone. I mean I have already reached a international audience of people with my personal story and given you all an intimate look inside my zaney conscience and sub-conscience. I am truly surprised that some of you are still around after some of it, really I feel like sometimes someone better go fly fishing and hook me before I drift away. I mean I’m trying to coin the term #teamweird because I embrace the weirdness people. It’s who I am and I am okay with. Weird people make the world go round!

When I tell you I am I could not have made this journey without all you wonderful readers I mean it! You guys have read my good, bad, and FUNNY moments and responded with the most love and constructive criticism that a gal could EVER ask for! I have learned so much in my one year of blogging and yet I feel there is so much more to learn!

It is not only my outlet for emotion/ expression, but for my true art(s), networking, and learning and viewing other art. I especially love the aspect of just viewing other people’s art and ‘traveling’ at my fingertips and learning about the world through others’ blogs. It makes me want to just reach through the screen and tip myself into the postcard-like photos and relax in the tropics, mountains, rustic countryside, rollings hills, forests, and everything in between. I love the cityscapes and the busy shops and cobble stones and architecture. Then there are the historic aspects that you guys talk about so passionately. The libraries, museums, parks, homes, and restaurants, the culture.

I get to pick the brains of intelligent people across the world and learn more about my own field of study. I even get to learn about my disorder from people who have to people who are trying to cure it.

This last year I have had BLOG LUST and I love it! To everyone someone else’s life seems amazing no matter how boring to you it may seem. Once it is all on paper it may still yet seem boring but once you start writing about all the things you do daily and see, someone will ask the right questions that will open your world up and show you that your life is not as boring as it seems and you too will know that you need only look and life awaits!

 

Falling in Love all over again

Posted on by Lady CAS

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I love music! Music gives me something that nothing else in this world can give me. It creates a picture in my mind that and soothes my soul in a way that no person can. It speaks to me in a way that sets my entire being into action.

While randomly looking up who my famous birthday counterparts are I ran across Smokey Robinson. Now I am only 31 but when I tell you this man could sing me words within ANY congressional bill which I find highly confusing and boring (though I am sure it is informative and educational) and I would swoon. Take me I’m YOURS!

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He still looks great for his age and has the voice of an ANGEL.If this man asked me right now to marry him I may have to would go to commit a crime of polygamy. I would have him sing once a month random things like about a tea cup, or the flip flop for a about 15-30 seconds just to make sure I was not dreaming.

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YES, YES I DO!

WHY you say? Why the randomness. Well because I have heard all his music and singing his music would make believe I was in fact dreaming, hearing something I have never heard would make me feel more secure that it was not a dream. I would only request one other thing, to have one beautiful child with this man. I’m not asking that it has his beautiful eyes, hair, skin, or anything. Just again another piece of him and way to know this was NOT a dream or rather a DREAM come TRUE.

His music just transports me to another place. I can see myself in different times both that I have lived with other people and times that I wished that I could have lived back in times when William Robinson, Jr. was dating, dancing, and so on. He weaves such a whimsical tapestry that the vivid colors, sounds, and images swirl about in my mind making me giddy with happiness.

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Now imagine, if I am like this with just one piece of music how I can feel when with each different track and artist I put in. I feel so amazed and enthralled by each piece. I get so emotional. My music can cause me to feel a way I did not feel earlier or I can intentionally seek out music to extend the mood I am already in. I have to be careful with the music I listen to for that reason. I do not carry around a lot of ‘angry’ music or negative music for that reason because I have no desire to feel that way. Though I have associated some of my music with sadder times and events due to when it was on. I still try not to have any ‘hate, anger, mad’ music that encourages those thoughts or feelings within me as I feel such emotions easily within my music.

I do not believe rap insights these things within people, but if you associate a bad event with a certain song this is instead where it starts, not the song itself. The song speaks to you because it may help a primal depth of what you are feeling as you are already feeling a certain way, but the song itself is not the culprit just the vessel of expression.

 

The TUG of WAR

Posted on by Lady CAS

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I have been battling the biggest battle of tug of war in my life and it is all within myself. Usually we struggle with good and bad or right and wrong. However, sometimes things are not that clear cut and black and white. Sometimes they are what is right for you at that time…If you pray on it enough, it will be right for all parties eventually.

The struggle I have been having was that AT FIRST, I was finding it hard to even pray over the situation. Now I can at least find comfort in God again. This definitely makes me feel better about things. However, I am still fighting an inner struggle as I have an issue of trust between me and the relationship that is in question.

When you lose trust, you wonder if you even want allow yourself to try again with the person if they have been given many opportunities as a friend or lover and they continue to take it for granted as if you HAVE to STAY there. You start saying things like I could text them and ask them how their day was? Or ask about their family? Or ask them their plans for the weekend…Then you say well it works both ways and I have been the only one doing this before and then I got nothing. You wonder if you are being selfish, childish, teaching them a lesson, or punishing them. You wonder if you are giving trust where they do not deserve it.

Then you wonder if you give this small token and try again will they assume everything is back to normal and begin where they left off…making you feel less than what you are, disrespected, friendless, alone, lied to perhaps and a bevy of other emotions and epitaphs.

So then you ask, why would I, or anyone else have this huge tug of war and not just cut the person off? If only it were that easy. We all say it is that easy. But it is always easier said than done until it is you and it takes you longer than normal to realize it was you getting taken advantage of. When I was younger it used to take me a long time to realize it. Then I got smart and would cut people loose before either of us were really attached and therefore I never really felt a loss. However, now as I age I have found that sometimes, those that you keep in your life  longer than a season may be catfishing you.

They make you think they belong when in fact they do not. Moreover, those that are ‘supposed’ to be in your life for the long haul and grow with you can be so taxing that sometimes you still have to let them go because their growth is more like a leech. With God this growth may be harder but it should still work; however, you get people who are so negative and venomous and not ready for change that they suck all the good qualities right out of you and you struggle to get back to being the person you were and they do not know how to give anything back to YOU to help you once they have used you all up and become better for themselves.

The funny part is rarely do ‘friends’ that you must cut off ever really fight to stay in your life once you decide to cut them loose because they got everything out of you that they wanted. However, this time I guess the reason I am struggling so much is because this person is actually fighting to stay in my life. Again considering that I am not related to the person, this says a lot, but it also says that I can still cut them loose at anytime to protect me from further harm. No one deserves to feel as though they are being forced to stay in a relationship out of obligation no matter the type of relationship.

Sometimes the obligations come in the form of duties such as children if you are married, or if you are friends the fact that you have known each other since elementary school, or because they saved your life or helped you through a difficult time in your life. However, we all can outgrow someone and you do not have to stay becasue of those things. Even children. You can still make arrangements and be amicable for the the sake of the kids but live your own lives separately for happiness.

I still have not made a decision and it have been a few weeks dealing with this struggle. Obviously there are other reasons involved that I would rather not divulge at this point. However, I will say that since the trust was broken, I feel I have a right to take my time making my decision and that it’s ok for me to feel this way right now. I believe it is normal for me feel torn between wanting things to be right but not being ready to let this person back in yet since they hurt me and have not proven themselves worthy of trust yet. They have not earned it back and I do not feel ready to begin showing even small strides on the levels that I know I could do because I do not want WANT to. I just feel that is not fair to give that person what they desire when I have been lacking for so long and then as they try to give it now, it feels its only because they have screwed up and are losing me…This may not be, they may truly have learned their lesson but I need to see this change indefinitely before or at least consistently for longer than a few weeks before I make any movement on my part.

I know this sounds a bit harsh and even down right stubborn but, when you are talking about matters of the heart, one grows tired of being hurt and in and pain and will do whatever it takes to prevent it from happening again! I hope am able to get to a point of forgiveness for myself or the person for my own sanity! However, this does not mean that the person gets to ‘stay in my life’ just because I forgive them, only that I have found peace and can coincide with them amicably and move on.

 

Orlando Club Lives MATTER

Posted on by Lady CAS

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I’m not a preachy person, BUT! In light of the recent events of Orlando and the tragedy there, I just want to remind people that no one is least of all myself is perfect and could have been in a similar situation just because someone felt they do not like something about you places you in some sort of ‘horrible’ demographic.

I have been in a gay club with friends and NONE of us were considered gay. We were there merely to have fun and not feel the normal pressures of over aggressive guys trying to pick us up, especially when the club is closing and they are trying to get you to go home with them. I couldn’t stand that in college…I only danced with you man…GEESH.

Anyways, my point is, that regardless if all the people there were gay or not, no one deserves another human’s judgement when it comes to life and death. One has no idea what repercussions they cause by making such a call. More so, we all likely know, are related to, may have been, or, even love someone who is gay and so this should not come as a surprise that in this day an age that though it still may not be accepted by all, it should be acknowledged that they are still humans that have a right to life and love.

Again, I am not saying you have to be tolerant or accepting. I am saying to love your neighbor to life! Live your life giving them a great example and hopefully by leading a great example the things you believe will be accepted by them in turn. This shows what you will allow and what you will not. I apologize for the rant, but I have heard/read a few extreme comments about ‘those’ people targeted in the club and it just burns me up that they are given less value because they were gay in the commentators’ opinions.

Aging Gracefully

Posted on by Lady CAS

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Sometimes I just sit and ponder…okay all the time, LOL. I daydream like it’s my job and one day I hope it will be. I hope I can completely convert to writing and people paying me to read about my craziness. Not here of course because I always want my blog to be free. I want people to always have some area where they can ‘easily’ access my thoughts.

Anyways, I sit and ponder aging. Sometimes it scares me to think I am aging and have yet to accomplish the things I want to in life. But then I think about all the famous and not so famous people who were well into life, well into their 30s, 40s, 50s and so on before they accomplished the fame that we know them for today. I also think about the lifespan that we have today compared to decades and centuries ago. Though no one is promised tomorrow or even the next second, I have time create these things as long as I am working toward them and not procrastinating upon them.

My great grandfather is 92 years old and acts and moves much like a 20 year old. My great aunt is in her late 60s and NOT one of my friends believes me when I say it. They looked at her picture from this weekend from a commencement ceremony for a reunion and they said she looks like she is in her late 30s or mid 40s at best. When I tell her this she laughs and says they are too kind but they are your friends, they have to say that…She has no idea…my friends can be harsh and very honest, LOL. They have properly aged many in my family and even over aged a few.

A lot of it has to do with the confidence one has too though. It is exuded in the way we walk, talk, and act daily. I learned that when my confidence is highest I could be in the worst outfit imaginable to me and yet no one notices because I feel like a million bucks and I’m happy and my skin glows and I walk like it’s a new trending outfit despite the despair of the outfit sometimes, LOL.

Sometimes a new outfit can do this, a new hairdo, or glasses, but for me I have learned that just owning your age but not looking is the new confidence. By learning to own a less stressful lifestyle and enjoying life I can have this! I want to be like the many examples I see in my family. My family and friends keep me young and I am learning to let go of my fear when it comes to aging!

My Parents Announce Their Children

Posted on by Lady CAS

I’m proud to say that my parents have no problem saying who their kids are! Some parents would shrink from their responsibilities as parents when they find they have to bend and blend with biological parents and children who have mental disorders. Then to top it all off add some drug addiction, criminal charges, and grand mistakes and behalf of all parties except the adopted parents and I can’t even understand how they did not crumble and run away screaming. Yet, every time someone asks how many kids they have, they always say 4 proudly.

Yes, one is in prison and by a mistake of his own. They have learned not to blame themselves finally. They have learned that he had decisions to make on his own. God gave him options to make as well. He was afforded all the same opportunities as the rest of us and they took special care with him as they did with me as he and I were not their birth children but their gifts to add to the two they did birth as my parents like to say. They did everything they knew to do for him and more and still do. I am proud of them for that. They still love him and him them.

I know that as much of a pain he may caused with the trouble he has gotten himself in, they still have some good times and laughs to look back on. I just think of his crooked smile and it makes me smile. My parents always included us the same as their birth children and we saw absolutely no difference. We call them mom and dad, brother, and sister. We enjoy it and know nothing else. My brother and sister (who are actually my cousins) treated us like the younger siblings, LOL. Yes, master…anything you say master! We were also their guinea pigs for many things…food projects, games, clothes, and so on. I remember my brother making some weird eggplant dish in high school and I had to eat some…yea still haven’t eaten eggplant since (just cannot).

My parents knew they would not hurt us though and we did too. As much as they grumbled about having to babysit and watch us like any teenager, they never let anyone else harm us. They always made sure we ate and were somewhat comfortable (even if that meant under someone else).

My parents are awesome! They acknowledge my biological parents.They understand the relationship that I needed to have with them. They accepted all the craziness that came with our lives and I commend them.It was never easy and they never thought it would be. They shed tears, prayed, shed more tears, laughed, and loved. They laugh and love as much as they can because it is the key to our life. I just cannot imagine my life without them in some form and I will be taking oodles of video of these people soon. I need to have it so it can be my ‘forever!’